I would be lying if I did not admit that I am still overwhelmed. Why is that?
1. MY FRIENDS keep getting sicker
2. MY FRIENDS keep dying
3. THERE IS NO CURE TO SAVE US
4. We are on treatment until we run out of treatments or our body runs out on us & cannot take anymore toxic treatments and our organs fail.
5. 40,000 of us will die every year leaving behind husbands, wives, children, friends and family
This does not even include other cancers...then the number of people lost to cancer annually increases. It is sad. It is tragic. I honestly hate cancer.
I also want to say cancer is NOT a blessing. The best things that came out of it were the new friends I made, the strength it gave to my relationship with Kyle, and the appreciation of the present time we all have here today. I finally watched the full Jimmy V video. Click the link to watch this video... its pretty empowering. I keep a sign up in our house with a poem about what CANCER cannot take. I read it, it helps, but in my gut I am not ready to give up or go anywhere if I can control that.
Cancer cannot take a lot from us or me, but I am still angry at what it does take. Today, I am angry that Cancer is taking my friends. I am angry that unless there are more treatments or a cure Cancer will take my physical body & keep killing people I care about and you care about. I hate Cancer. Have I said that already?
I want to marry Kyle, grow old with him and have a family. While that can still happen, living with a terminal illness makes it seem less likely. I know and Kyle knows that LIFE is hard. We both dealt with my first cancer diagnosis at 25. I am 32... it has been 7yrs. We know life and relationships are not blissful 24/7. Most people who are approaching their wedding day are thinking of a perfect bliss forever. I am praying for bliss for a few months, a year, sometime of remission, less doctors appointments, and trips away that are not hospital stays at NYP.
I am also angry that we find cures for contagious diseases and that society thinks that cancer is preventative... I mean if you just exercise and eat right you wont get cancer right? WRONG. Cancer is genetic & if you get it, it is a crapshoot. 1 out of 2 of us will get cancer and 1 out of 4 of us will die from it. The world is working so hard at developing technology for wars to kill people, but it works slow at saving the people who are dying. Why can't we find cures for the terminal? I probably will never get that answer.
Now for the treatment news. I have been on Carboplatin/Gemzar for four cycles - 2 in December & then the forced 5 week break & two more cycles from February to the present. My markers were dropping in December, but as I said in my last post, the markers are rising & are the highest they have been in 2years. This past Friday I had my first CT scan since starting Carbo/Gem in December & a lab draw. We did this to see if I need to make a treatment change this coming Tuesday. Am I nervous? Yes. Why did I not wait to do these screens until after our wedding? I don't want to put off extending my life for one day, a great day, but one day versus the many I would hope to have if I need to change treatment. If the results are good, well then I have good news to celebrate. It goes either way & I have gotten to the point in my cancer journey that I know that I cannot expect to be in remission after every scan or lab & that the results are usually bad or good. Thats just how living with cancer goes.
I will most likely post an update after my doctor's appointment Tuesday. Please pray for me that the results are good & not that bad. I am also going to make sure I have my 8 week brain MRI scheduled for the week after my wedding. I want to stay on top of this stupid disease even if I cannot find a cure yet.