Never Will Happen to Me

Have you ever thought that something would never happen to you? Or that you lived your entire young adulthood and adulthood trying your damn hardest to prevent something from happening to you?

I have... It seems as if almost every family member of mine has had cancer or some form of heart disease. I knew that all I needed to do to not fall victim to one of these progressive, fatal illnesses was to 1. exercise, 2. eat healthy, and 3. keep up with my medical treatment. I did all these things. I have always done all these things for as long as I can remember. Sure, I have had my share of being lazy and eating junk food, but I spend most of my days living a pseudo-vegetarian and athlete lifestyle. I was not going to catch any disease. I was going to be untouchable, perfect.

Unfortunately, no one is perfect, untouchable, or free from falling ill. This is what has been the hardest for me to take in...

In August, I found a lump in my breast. I am 26. I actually found it before going hiking. I assumed immediately it was cancer, but rationalized (or just used intellectualization) that I was 26 and that there was no way I could have cancer. I figured I would just sit, see if it goes away, and I did make an appointment with my OBGyn 3 weeks later. I was in no rush. Nor did I think it was anyway possible that I could be sick. Obviously I was not worried when I was hiking that day...

3 weeks later the lump still remained. My OBGyn sent me to get an ultrasound. Everyone thought it was "nothing." I mean who hears of young women getting cancer...not breast cancer at least. The ultrasound showed a small 1cm cyst, so I went to a Breast Specialist and then got to get the cyst biopsied. A cone biopsy is painful, it hurts a lot and I hope no one ever has to go through that.

The biopsy came back one week later...To be honest I kind of forgot about the whole biopsy at that point. See, I wasn't worried. I got the call..."Caitlin I am afraid to tell you but the biopsy came back and you have cancer." My world became a fog and I couldn't hear anything else my doctor said...I told him I would call him back. I sat at my office and cried. I felt helpless. I felt like I failed at trying to avoid this inevitable illness.

I am very lucky I have supportive coworkers, family, and friends. At that point, whomever I told just stood by me and helped me feel supported. I didn't feel so alone. I didn't feel so helpless. I kicked my butt into gear and started figuring out what I needed to do to beat this illness. I made doctors appointments with oncologists, surgeons, and went for more testing. I had to keep my head up and I did. I have amazing people in my life who helped me with this.

It has taken me three weeks to write my first entry in this blog. I haven't had an easy time telling people about this. I am finally at the point where I feel comfortable talking to people about it openly. I also figured this blog is much easier for me to do then try to remember whom I am updating or telling about this all. It also seems like it will be a great place for me to find some hope and to express my feelings.

So far I am two weeks away from surgery. I am mixed with feelings of excitement and fear. I kinda just want this alien life form out of me and move on with my life. I will be going to Sloan Kettering for my surgery on Nov 11. I am having a bilateral done as one family member had breast cancer years ago and I just do not want this sucker to come back in my other side. I will be seeing an oncologist at Sloan and at Fox Chase. I am not sure what treatments will be, but I should know on Nov 22 when they get my pathology reports back from surgery.

 I will let everyone know how I am doing as this progresses. Hopefully my blog can help others as my reading others' blogs online have helped me.