I haven't posted in a month. I haven't been handling this "stage 3d" stuff well. I am always hard on myself and I have spent the last 4 weeks progressively being more hard on myself. Most people who read what I just typed are probably thinking - "this girl is crazy, her last post was all about beating the odds." The problem with MY thinking is that I expected that this cancer would be gone by Christmas. Its an unrealistic expectation, like many others I have put on myself time and time again. Since it is not gone and since I have yet to get a clean bill of health, I have been ruminating about all the things that I DID WRONG to cause this. So here comes the self-blame followed by the guilt, shame and anxiety. Lately each day I walk out the door with this sense of impending doom thinking "when will I have to not worry about this again," or "when will this all be normal again and I can actually PLAN ahead."
Needless to say, I have been spending too much time in my head and that is a pretty dangerous place to be. I have forgotten to take one day at a time and it has led me to become a depressed Grinch who has started to give up on the things she enjoys. I have slowly been avoiding the gym living in fear of what I could lose due to cancer - my physical strength. I have been sitting home worrying that a knot in my muscle is a tumor (yes, this is the truth) and that a stuffy nose is the fluid filling up my lungs and worsening. These thoughts are what happens to a person with anxiety that lives with cancer. Its starting to consume me and its pushing me to the brink of being able to diagnose myself with the DSM.
I was letting my emotions control me this past month. Even given the
evidence I received from having stable scans last week, I was an
emotional mess. My doctor reported that we can't say that there is still
not cancer, but its not worse & the organs look healthy minus the
fluid. This means that the pesky lymph nodes in my chest wall are gone
and the fluid is finally less than 2cm in my lung. I am posting this as a
reminder to myself that things are not that bad. It is not perfect, but
it sure could be worse.
Yesterday, I talked to my boyfriend about this and he gave me the same advice I give everyone - "get out of your head its a dangerous place, take one day at a time and breathe."
Today, I forced myself to move today and get to the gym for some solace. Lately I have been ruminating about how I have not ran more than 5min since July. In August, my lungs became to heavy from the fluid I could barely walk or run. The fluid remained until October and I avoided the treadmill out of fear. I was letting fear guide my life. I reminded myself of what I was doing and told myself - "The only way out of fear is to face it. "
...I got to the gym and walked to the treadmill. I started by walking for 3min and then I found myself running. Yes, I was running and I ran 1mile and change. I was slow, but I ran. I could breathe and not hear an ocean on my left side. It was in that moment that I realized that I have yet to lose my strength and I am actually doing better.
