Nightmare, absolute Nightmare

My IVF doctor called Sloan today to "negotiate" & Sloan has not gotten by blood work back from YESTERDAY, so I can confirm that I can start chemo. Sloan wants my estrogen levels down to 50 now, which my IVF doctor explained could take at least till Jan 6 & she usually stops when the levels are at 250 not 50 because it postpones chemo too much.

   I was on the phone with Sloan and my IVF doctor, who could not agree on philosophies about Femara and chemo. It was a nightmare. My IVF doctor is going to draw my blood again tomorrow & will get my results within hours to give to Sloan. At that point, I called the oncologist down at Virtua, whom I consulted with at the beginning of my diagnosis to get a second opinion. He too believes no issue with Femara and that after I get my blood drawn with my IVF doctor I can stop the Femara (as soon as possible) & my IVF doctor agreed with that prediction as well. I feel like Sloan has some agenda & philosophy that is only creating more harm than good. My oncologist in NJ is leaving an open door to have me start chemo with him on Monday if I change my mind & he can get all the paperwork from Sloan to start ASAP. 

   I haven't cried since the day I was diagnosed, because of how unknown everything was. I just felt like now, my chemo was so unknown and I couldn't stop crying or being just so angry. Its unfair that I had to go through this.

  I am going to sleep on my decision about chemo & get my blood work drawn at my IVF doctor's tomorrow. If Sloan continues to give me a hard time about this, I am going to drop their butts and go back to my original plan to stick with a doctor close to home. 

 These last two days were supposed to suck because of fatigue and nausea. They sucked because of unnecessary anger and tears and anxiety. 

 I decided to "treat" myself to a manicure & pedicure. Now, I am having a glass of wine. I think I deserve this! Tomorrow, I am going to get my blood work and take this treatment by the bull horns. All of this anger and anxiety will go down the drain with a nice 25-min run tomorrow and some good ol' Caitlin-style power lifting. 

Sike!

Remember back in the 90s when people used to say "Sike!" when they told you something was true, when it really was just a huge fabrication. Today, I had a classic example of that...except it wasn't funny.

We went all of the way by car & train to NYC to get my poison in my veins. Ran late btw and I got splashed by some taxi on 3rd Ave, because apparently in NYC I am transparent to taxis. Got to Sloan, waited, as they were held up. At this point my anxiety was through the roof, my hands always shake when I get anxious and I couldn't barely hold a pencil to fill paperwork. We FINALLY get beyond the waiting room to start chemo & then the worst thing possible could happen....

Surprise! I can't start today. Apparently the Femara given to me by UPenn for my IVF treatments interacts with EC & if I started today EC wouldn't be effective. Sloan had no idea I was on Femara still nor did Penn tell me it was an issue after I left my "harvesting" surgery on Sunday. I was told "I could start the next day." This was a classic case of miscommunication.

After I cried for an hour and worried profusely about the money I wasted coming to NYC, not starting chemo, and worrying about going back to work...you know, the usual worries. My doctor kindly apologized and educated me and my mother about the risks of starting. They also did my blood-work for Penn at Sloan so I can stop the Femara ASAP tomorrow and start chemo on Monday. The social worker also met with me an confirmed that Sloan completed my NJ Transit disability discount paperwork ($13 compared to $30 round trip  ) & reported that she is going to apply for me to get some funds from Sloan for transportation. They also sent out letters to all necessary persons to get my disability extended until the end of January, as they do it on a month to month basis. If necessary I will have the day of chemo and whatever days after that are my "worst" off from work, I get the whole month of January to figure it out.

I am still a little upset. I really just wish I could start, but now this gives me a chance to enjoy my NYE. It also allows me to actually make the trip out in PA without worrying about nausea in my car ride.

Normal Again

I am finally not as moody as I was over the last week. This injectable, Gona-F, caused me to go into super crazy, angry mode. They tapered the drug and now I am just on the tail end of medications until my retrieval. I will be getting "cultivated" on Sunday. I am looking forward to no more daily shots. I do not know how diabetics do this. Its painful!

On another note, I cut my hair. I decided to to a montage of my hair... I will miss you.

 2004

2005 

2006

2007 

2008

 2009

 2010

2011

Fertility Preservation

I started Fertility Preservation treatments last Monday... it is most likely the strangest thing I have ever done. Yes, its stranger than chemo at this point. I have been injecting myself with multiple types of medications. These medications have tricked my body to ovulate x30 and have made me gracefully look like I am a pubescent teen with acne. The hormones have made me moody and crappy.

Did I mention that I HATE ACNE? I was on ACCUTANE. Therefore, NO MORE ACNE. Of course Breast Cancer just gave me this gift too. Suck it breast cancer!!! I am glad I get to have kids saved for me one day and a nice, new chest. Thanks for those perks breast cancer. I do not appreciate the acne, the inability to closely shave my armpits, or the loss of my hair in 3 weeks. This acne looks like a rash and its gross. I am going to just wear my wigs backwards, so I can hide my acne under the hair and have my smooth, shiny bald head visible instead.

As you can tell these meds have made me moody, which why I have been avoiding posting. I promise that I will be back to my normal self once I have my oocytes/embryos retrieved this weekend.

 My egg retrieval is scheduled for the 26th. Kinda good luck? My oocytes are born on the Christmas holiday lol. Then a few days without doctors and I start chemo on the 29th. I promise my next post will be more normal.

Updates

1. Fertility Preservation - I met with the physicians at UPenn. I am getting 2/3 of this funded through Fertile Hope. The rest of this is coming from the eggsicles' future grandparents. I start treatments within 1-2 days and it can last up to two weeks. I should have the eggs cultivated either the day after christmas, christmas eve or december 23 if all goes as planned. Just beware, I might be extra moody and want more chocolate than usual. UPenn is taking appropriate measures with monitoring my hormone levels due to the cancer. I will be taking a drug call Femara to cap my estrogen, which brings it down 2/3 to what an average woman would have if they were undergoing fertility treatments.

2. Chemotherapy - I chose to go with my treatment at Sloan. I start on December 29. I will be going every other Wednesday for eight rounds. Ideally I would love people to join me...I will bribe you with the yummy Sloan snacks (i.e. pretzels, graham crackers, and saltines) or with some yummy NYC local foods. Also we can watch many episodes of Sex in the City, Big Bang Theory, Its Always Sunny, Roswell, Dinosaurs, Dexter, and Mad Men...if anyone has some Buffy the Vampire Slayer episodes, I need to catch up on those too. Chemotherapy will consist of 4 rounds (every 2 weeks) of EC then 4 rounds of T (every two weeks). For your reading pleasure I kindly linked these drugs to Wikipedia...

• E = Epirubicin 
• C = Cyclophosphamide
• T = Taxol

Sometime this week I am going to talk a little about controversial topics i.e. causes of cancer in our environment and foods. I really truly believe that these are the causes. Genetics comes into play for some people but not all. I strongly think mine was due to multiple factors, in which I will talk in more detail when I get some time. 

• Parabens in all my beauty products, which are known to mimic estrogens in our bodies.
• Birth Control Pills, which gave my body unnecessary levels of hormonal changes. 
• Alcohol , in which I kindly indulged in too much in undergrad
• Diet, which I know a lot about, but didn't follow until I was 22. Most Animal byproducts are full of hormones and steroids so the animals can be larger and produce more milk, eggs etc. Also anything that is full of preservatives (i.e. cold cuts, canned veggies, chips etc) somehow convert into hormones in our bodies. 

Besides updating everyone about how I am doing. I want to use this blog to educate people about what I deeply believe was the cause of my cancer. I do not have genetic breast cancer. I am estrogen positive and it is a very high (95%) estrogen positive, which leads me to believe it was a combination of all of these environmental factors over the last 26yrs of my life. If we apply estrogen on our skin, drink it, eat it, and take it in our medicines, especially us women whom produce estrogen naturally, our bodies will react. Too much of anything causes our bodies to work in overdrive, which increases cellular damage. Cellular damage = tumor growth. therefore, cancer develops. 

Project Future Offspring

Yesterday I spent a good portion of my morning on the phone with Sloan's Fertility Nurse Coordinator. She was wonderful, she educated me a lot about chemo and fertility, the types of fertility treatments, and grants to help pay for the cryopreservation medications and fees. She helped me find a really great location in Philadelphia (45min away from home!!) whom does a lot of work with breast cancer patients to ensure that the treatments do not increase their estrogen too high, which was a big concern of mine.

Starting Monday I will be meeting with a reproductive endocrinologist at U Penn, Dr. Gracia. I have three options 1. cultivate and freeze eggs, 2. cultivate eggs, create embryos and freeze embryos, or 3. freeze ovarian tissue, which will be transplanted into my body 6yrs from now. I will be going over these options with her and I will be starting the process as soon as possible. The process can take 2 weeks and when I am finished I literally will be starting chemo the next day.

I am leaning towards a place to do my chemotherapy. Just need to sit on it for a few more hours.

Cryopreserving Miniature Caits

I decided to follow through with the egg cryopreservation (i.e. freezing eggs) before chemo. I have had 4/5 physicians tell me its a good idea. I kept pushing it aside because I just felt like NOT adding another doctor to my life or anymore appointments, but after much consideration I think this is a good idea. Women on my mom's side of my family have a hard time conceiving in their 30s and if chemo is going to make that prospect worse for me, then I should take the right measures to do this.

I have found very little information. It is costly, thats what I do know. There is a foundation called Fertile Hope, which will help fund all the medications and egg cryopreservation for me. I am only responsible for storing the eggs and the IVF procedure when I do want a kid.

I am making more phone calls today and turning on my inner case manager. I have to call a nurse at Sloan to help guide me through the process, I also need to call NYU to try to get an urgent appointment to possibly start this process next week, as it is ideal towards the beginning of your next menstrual cycle. This could push off my chemo for 1-2 weeks, but then that will guarantee me a kid and also hair on NYE.

I am now on the fence as to where I want to do chemo. This is a decision I will make today. A very hard one to say the least, but at either location I can start ASAP.