Reflecting

October is this month for me that used to always be filled with great things - leave changing, no humidity, cooler weather, Halloween, and fall clothes. It is still a great month, but I have come to associate it with Cancer. October is Pinktober. October is also the month that I was first diagnosed with breast cancer 4yrs ago.

This past October has not been easy and the month of November has been no piece of cake. The transition on medication and the new mets areas have resulted in days of pain. Pain that feels like something is broken in my body including the Back pain, rib pain, and still the arthritic joint pain. I was unable to workout, was forced to sit on the couch, and even had to call out of work twice due to unbearable back pain. I can go on and on about the negative about how my first line of treatment for metastatic disease failed me, about how it's one less drug to keep me alive, how my friends are struggling on chemo and targeted treatment and there is no cure. I think those thoughts at least once a day. This is my reality.

This 4yr journey has created many annoying obstacles. One of them is being forced to be strong and no longer get to be a normal 20-soemthing or 30-something. I have changed. I have days where I wish being weak was an option or that I could take a vacation from my own life. I have no choice, I like living and that's not strong it is sane. I am honestly tired of hearing I am strong. if you say this to me, you would not want to hear strong...i don't want to deal with this. But if I didn't face this disease the only other option is death. I am not facing some trauma of losing someone or divorce or abuse, that is true strength. Having stage four cancer means you have to suck it up, do what is needed or you will die. If I do not scan, treat and repeat I will be dead. Each day I swallow a crappy medication and worry that the disease inside of me is growing resistant against another medication and that my time here is limited. Hope is all I have and honestly with each rise in tumor marker and each failed treatment and each published report that the stats are against me, my hope shrinks and I get more and more depressed. I have only had six months of "good news" since being stage four....which is a short period of time where I was beating the odds and markers were dropping.

I spent the last 7 weeks miserable on the inside struggling to smile on the outside. I had mouth sores, cystic acne, and acne on my scalp. My joint pain has increased & I have been unable to crawl out of bed or off the couch most days. This is not like me. I honestly hate it but I kept hoping "that this might be the drug for me, I might be a lucky one." I have spent days and hours looking for the women in the secret society where Afinitor and Aromasin brought them to no evidence of disease for years, but I have found no secret society. I found other women in the same boat as me hoping that their new medication is the one that will bring them solace, so they wouldn't have to worry about failing more therapies or being a slave to chemo every week.

My markers are stable, but we want them dropping. I have 8 more weeks to pray and hope that they stay stable or drop. If the markers incease, I go on chemo or a clinical study. There are no other fda approved targeted therapies or antihormonals for me. That's scary. Chemo does not save my life at that point, but only extend it. I don't want that life yet or ever.