Its the anxiety you feel when you know you are due for a PET/CT Scan. You feel it weeks before, days before, the day of and the day after. Its all consuming at times.
So that being said, that is how I will be feeling in the next 15 days. I can put on a good show. At work I may seem normal. With friends and family I put on a good "I am fine mask." Underneath it all is a girl screaming her head off and a complete anxious mess at home. I can find ways to cope, but underlying it all is this humming anxiety.
Horrible, absolutely horrible. Of course, I already have had anxiety since 9yr old... so lets layer that scanxiety on top of my already chemically imbalances head. Gonna be awesome...
That being have my first full scan on March 14 since September 29. I have gotten monthly chest X-rays up until January when my doctor & I decided to give my body a break from the radiation since my markers dropped drastically.
By the time I get my first real scan on Xeloda, I would be in my 6th month of Xeloda. The 6th month has been the primal time where my last two treatments failed me. My cancer "PTSD" acts up when I think about it. I am immensely worried that I may have progression and will get less and less time on each new drug.
Yes, this is also very possible, but it is sheer assumption, projection, and catastrophization. Lets look at the facts here: 1. my Tubey in my lung is gone, the fluid is so minimal now 2. I can run without wheezing for the first time in a a year. 3. I have 0 bone pain, which is not the norm. 4. My markers kept dropping then stabilized. My markers rose 2 points two weeks ago, but that could be stable for me.
Of course with any increase in markers or any minor ache, I do wonder is progression simmering and boiling its head to create more tumors in my young body. I wish I could say - "I am always hopeful."
Reality is, my hope comes in waves. I do truly feel grateful to be here still when many of my friends have now passed on. I am also hopeful that I would see a cure one day. I hope the more people know my story, the more people think or pray about me, and all that good karma will come and heal me.
This is the reality of my mind. A mind that was already predisposed to having fear and worry, now it is a reality I have to accept that worry and fear of cancer progression and even the D-word (death) could happen.
This is why I encourage people to share, read this story, and if you donate money think about where that money goes to. Choose to save lives. Enough of us people with cancer blog and write on Facebook these days that Education about Cancer and Prevention are no longer viable funding needs. We need a cure. I am not ready to accept that I will not make it past 5yrs with metastatic disease. I hope to prove the odds wrong.
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