Even Superheros Have to Rest

If you know me, like know me know me, I am slightly obsessed with both the DC and Marvel Universe. Now I always loved the stories behind some heroes... not all were blessed with powers, some got them, some worked at them and even some who are "Gods" used their powers for good.

Ok, I am not exactly sure where I am going from here. BUT I always ask for Wonder Woman gear from my parents. I guess I feel like I was her, I was strong as all hell, I always stood up for what I believed in and I always saw myself and other women as equals to men. I also had brown hair and well felt like in my life, especially when dealing with cancer, I was wonder woman. I could stand up against any fight and still come back with the same strength, minor cuts, but I healed fast. (OK now I am getting to my point).

Most women in my world with metastatic disease cannot say that for 3yrs of living with cancer they ran sprints with a Pleural Effusion or could squat 280lbs after having almost every vertebrae in my spine radiated. I was a lucky woman living with Stage 4 Cancer, the disease affected my physical capabilities minimally and I could resume and continue my super strength despite where the disease decided to go, die, or stay.  I also took 0 time off from exercise after my mastectomy, I literally was walking 2-3mi a day 4 days after surgery and was running 3-5mi 3x/week during chemotherapy during my early stage diagnosis. Crap I even have a page in my blog devoted to maintaining fitness while having surgery, chemotherapy and radiation.

This past winter & spring, I forgot that despite having Cancer and being referred to as having WONDER WOMAN STRENGTH, I may not always bounce back like Wonder Woman.  I expected to have this same recovery after my Craniotomy last winter, because I WAS WONDER WOMAN. I believed I was unstoppable. The problem with that thinking is I expected to jump right back into what I was doing before my skull was cracked open. I forgot that despite having good physical fitness through all of my cancer journey that I still had to dial back and start from the lowest or slowest point up.

A Craniotomy is a big deal and honestly the fact that I have 100% of my faculties back after that surgery is a blessing in itself. But my thoughts can be over critical and stinky and down right mean to my own self. The truth was I finally was not able to bounce back. I felt like the person I was, that Wonder Woman was fading away. The truth was that I was fatigued, I had to walk slow, I was unable to multitask, and I felt defeated, broken, no longer a superhero. Cancer was going to beat me. I know you do not want to hear me say that, but it is how I felt. Also, I had radiation to my head for the first time, which is seriously a drain on energy. Then lets add my first IV chemotherapy in almost 6yrs, which btw is a whole other level of exhaustion versus oral chemotherapies or anti-hormonals, which I had been taking for 5.5yrs. Lets top that all of with an infection in my Craniotomy wound 6 weeks later, which only made me feel more and more defeated.

After my Craniotomy, I had hope that I would be side-lined for maybe 4 weeks and get slowly back on the gym horse. Even after the second head surgery, I did not want to give up, so I literally waited the two weeks my doctors asked to workout. I walked the malls with Kyle, I set up my road bike inside, and I started doing Yoga again. I did this for about 3 weeks until the Tegaderm Tape keeping the IV in my port for my 3x/day antibiotic infusions kept melting off. I was frustrated and just really stopped doing anything but the walking as it did not make me sweat or ruin the seal around my port IV.

This is where the negative thinking crept right back in. I was slowly fading away from my hope that I could be WONDER WOMAN again. I got sad, I lost a bunch of weight and a lot of it was muscle I had built over the years. So now, I literally am 25lbs lighter than I was a year ago. I lost this weight in about 3 weeks mostly I am assuming it was due to the inability to workout, the cancer getting emotionally and physically draining, a lack of appetite due to the chemo, lack of exercise, and just my sad, stinky, hopeless thinking. I guess I got thin for my wedding without trying, but I had to get my dress taken in three times within 30days of my wedding (THAT IS NOT HEALTHY). No level of emotional distress, physical health decline, or stress should have led to that quick of a weight loss, but it happened. In the cancer world they call this, Cancer Cachexia, which is the loss of appetite due to cancer tumors release destructive proteins which tell cells to produce an inflammatory reaction which can cause a loss of appetite. These proteins can also cause muscle atrophy and can be the cause of altered taste changes,  among many other problems. 

I was broken, I was no longer Wonder Woman, but Olive Oil. Honestly my negative self-talk and view of this weight loss is enough to deal with. BUT People have been on my case about what I eat, how much I weigh, etc. Honestly, I know people care and mean well, but it has only made me more scared, more self-critical about the weight loss in general, and more hopeless that I won't ever get my fit, Wonder Woman body back. This is why it has become a problem that I saw myself as Wonder Woman. I hold myself to THAT standard of perfection constantly and honestly, I am not a person made from Zeus, I am human, I can break and sometimes I have to accept that I am also living with a terminal illness. I never accepted my disease for what it REALLY IS.

BTW NOSY PEOPLE WHO I NOW WANT TO STOP OBSESSING ABOUT MY WEIGHT - I HAVE BEEN EATING AND CANNOT GAIN MUCH WEIGHT BACK. I HAD PNEUMONIA AND 0 APPETITE WHICH IS NORMAL, BUT HONESTLY IF I AM THIN BUT HEALTHY WITH GOOD COLORING PLEASE JUST GET OFF OF ME ABOUT THIS. IT MAKES ME FEEL LIKE UTTER PILES OF DOG SHIT. I will exercise but I will do what I can, when I can and what I want to do. I eat and I honestly do not care if I am skinny now. If you care, but my doctor doesn't care as long as I am 120 (which I have been for 1mo), then maybe you need to ask yourself why it bothers you so much?

Here comes that moment when I made my own Mental Choice to accept and be and not hold myself to any standard... I made that choice in April.

Why did I decide to 1. not let my negative self talk affect me and 2. not let other people's criticism of how I look affect me... a comic. Yep another comic. I started to read the new Thor comics, where Jane (Thor's human ex) becomes Thor but also has Metastatic Breast Cancer. Here is a human, she is sick, but when she can she fights and is strong. This comic excerpt explains how I ACTUALLY HAVE BEEN LIVING SINCE 2010. And honest to god, it has helped me over come my shame for being skinny and my shame of being sick with CANCER and looking sick and ultimately that fear of never being a strong, indestructible fitness god (or whatever I thought I was). I have learned to accept that some days I need to rest, because my STRENGTH I am using all of that to take in treatment and stay alive. Some days I can be the MIGHTY old Caitlin who appears strong and is unstoppable and never needs rest. Of late, I have accepted that after that Craniotomy I have needed more days to recover and fight the Cancer within to stay alive, so I can have more days where I am Mighty Caitlin. 

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So the reality is I am no superhero. I am not indestructible. I am not impervious to pain, sadness, set backs, or illnesses beyond my cancer. The reality is I am a strong person, but physically my strength is being used in other ways - to recover from this pneumonia, to fight this dumb cancer, and to accept that yoga & walking are perfectly OK forms of exercise on the days I feel capable of exercising.

The last 7 months have been tiring. A craniotomy 2x is no joke. Chemotherapy IV is no joke especially when you progressed through two different Chemotherapies in 7mo. Radiation 2x to my head was not easy. HONESTLY, most people still would not even think of gardening when recovering from pneumonia. BUT I did that because I wanted to. It tired me out. You know why??? Because I am sick. I have been sick since 2010, but it was easy to hide when my treatments were not needed to be dripped into me via a port or when I had hair and not a wig.

This is where I think my mind hurt me... I was in denial about how serious Stage 4 cancer can be. I see this in some newbies in my support group & honestly I hope they never wake up in an ICU accepting that they are sicker than they thought. I hope this blog helps all my Stage 4 sisters and even early stage sisters realize that we are sick. If we are sick, it is ok to rest, it is ok to have set backs, and it is ok to look sick.

Today's lesson is that I never accepted that I was sick and I think that was the problem. I held myself to be WONDER WOMAN. I felt if I could still do the normal, look normal, then I wasn't sick. This kept me hopeful, but in serious denial about how bad things could get for me. It did not hit me until Nov 14, 2016 waking up in NYC in an ICU that I WAS SICK WITH CANCER AND THIS WAS REAL AND SERIOUS. I can say I have lived with cancer since 2010, but the last 7mo I have finally been forced to accept, deal, and cope with what that really means.

In therapy I have learned that COPING means that: 
1. Resting is not weakness.
2. Disability is not the end, but a beginning to find something new & something that makes me happy.
3. My hair is replaceable, my life is not.
4. I will never have to worry about dieting ever... I am embracing the thin.
5. Every day is a blessing and despite how bad a day could seem, there can be 1-2 good things in that bad day. I have to force myself to find this sometimes.
6. WE CANNOT PLAN BEYOND TODAY. Planning for tomorrow is never guaranteed.
7. We CAN plan for tomorrow to have something to look forward to, but also be willing to accept that cancer or illness may get in the way of those plans.
8. Start to place less value or mental concern on things like - money, what others think, and my internal desire to be the perfect cancer patient.

trust me these are all wavering lessons and I fall out of practicing them here & there. I am not perfect. No one but Wonder Woman can be her, but damn we can look to her as hope. I am a human and some days I am unstoppable and others I am just trying to get better and not let the cancer take over me.