A Quick Medical Update

I started Abraxane (3 weeks on, 1 off = 1 round) and completed the 1st round. I start my second round this coming Monday. I also began Avastin and will be getting my second dose on Monday. Xeloda also continues to be ingested despite the havoc it is wrecking in my poor digestive tract. I just have to say that the nausea is a 8 out of 10 on this combo & the fatigue is about a 5 out of 10. Literally I spend a lot of time praying that my antinausea regimen works & it has not curbed complete pukage. Therefore, we have to get it adjusted for my pre-medication and the medication I take at home to avoid puke. I have puked way too much since starting Abraxane with the Xeloda.

Unfortunate for my quality of life, but I want to be here a long time, so I am putting up with the side-effects and looking for treatment options for those side-effects to improve my quality of life. The reason why I will put up with this insane, but ingenius chemotherapy combination...is that I have only had good news since starting all three drugs. Here is the good news in no chronological order:

1. My 6wk brain MRI showed stability and regression. This MRI was done a week before I started the Avastin, so we just saw what Xeloda & Abraxane have done together. I won't need brain radiation & will get another f/u MRI in 8wks.

2. After 1 week of Abraxane both of my tumor markers dropped 400 & 500 puts. This puts my 3,000 something markers into the 2,500 range. I have a lot of cancer, so my labs are pretty scary. I am curious to see what my markers are this coming week.

3. I am off of Oxygen in the home & when out in public running errands or going to doctors. I still have to wear oxygen when I sleep and workout. Slowly but surely I will be off of it 100% if my lungs continue to improve with chemotherapy.

4. Everyday and its more noticeable every week but my giant ascite filled stomach has shrunken so much it can be hidden in clothes. I still am not my normal size, but I keep praying for the tumors in my abdomen shrink.

Honestly, all these changes are amazing. But I am human and there are moments each day where I start to get down about various thoughts about my cancer, which are SOOO not helpful for my mental stability. I start to get upset that I still have cancer, my abdomen is not very comfortable to deal with because of the tumors in my abdomen lining, my abdomen also is still larger than what would be normal & I feel its the last reminder of how sick I was. I just want it to go away & hate looking at it & refuse to buy any new clothes beyond sweats and baggy tops with leggings, because I want to hide in my clothes. I also am bald, which I am surprisingly OK with since its the 4th time my hair has either fallen 1/2 out or all out. THAT I CAN DEAL WITH, but on my worse days I cannot even deal with that.

So do I cope...I have to force myself to relax myself as I begin to explore the anxiety inducing ICU stay and how I looked when I first came home. Then I start to look at all the changes that have blessed our little family and I smile. I was told by a consulting doctor to get my affairs in order and that my treatments all would not work for any period of time anymore. I apparently was told I was too sick for trials and that no treatments have worked therefore none will. I left that appointment wanting to prove that person that I am not a statistic, but a person who determines where her fate lies and that her hands are in Gods and he has not given up on me yet. So I start to tell myself that it is pretty amazing & shocking that 4months ago I had a traech, a lung drain that was draining 1/2L of fluid, an abdomen filled with almost 3L of fluid, swollen legs, on oxygen, swollen feet & was unable to wear normal shoes, & I weighed so little stretch pants were baggy on me. I have since had that traech removed & the hole has healed very well. The fluids both in my lung and abdomen have resolved. My legs are no longer swollen and heavy. I am off of oxygen 2/3 of the day. My feet are no longer swollen and I can fit into my favorite boots & sneakers. I have gained at least 20lbs. I am still thin, but my arms and legs and face and butt have restored themselves into a healthier body.

I still have a decent amount of recovery I hope I get to see happen. I will do my best from my position to care for my nutrition, fitness, and mental health. I will continue to be a smart patient and will always work with my doctors on finding trials or treatments...even if that means sometimes I may have to do the search myself. My wound still needs to heal. I wish I could yell at the nursing staff who let that wound even happen, but there is no point in yelling at something I cannot change. I just have to keep eating well and keeping it clean with my nurse and it will heal. I asked God if he could heal it before Kyle and I may go on a vacation at the end of April. I also need to come off of oxygen 100% before we can make a far trip, so hopefully my body continues to get stronger. I will gain another 10lbs even if that means I have to eat a brownie every night. I will also continue to pray that my abdomen will shrink for comfort and healing. I am getting so close to normal CAITLIN that I can smell her just around the corner. I hope I get to be normal CAITLIN again even if its for a day or two. I just want to be the fit, healed, cancer fighting vixen with a flat stomach that I was before that whole 40day hospitalization that changed my life.