Lessons Learned

This is a concept that can be hard to grasp. I desperately wish I had control over the outcome of mostly everything in my life, mostly my survival. The food I eat, the products I use and the vitamins I take are purely a way to stay healthy, but also a reflection of my fear of the uncontrollable - my health. I wish that lives were a guarantee and that death and sickness only happened when we all turned 90 and "it was our time." In my job and in my personal life I have seen too many people pass too young. There was nothing I could have done to prevent it no matter how much I wish I could have.

I look at the work I do - Therapy, specifically in Addictions. People commit suicide & overdose on drugs, we do our best and our hardest to prevent our fear of death, a loss of control, from happening. Sometimes we work harder than the people we care so desperately about to save them, but what we fear the most happens - the loss of a life.

I look at the women I know with cancer. I wonder why they didn't make it, why the fight was over. I wonder what did they do wrong?? There just is not an answer. There is never a reason for loss, but we desperately try to find one to give ourselves solace & silence our anxiety.

I look inwards at myself. My grandmother passed away from cancer when I was 15yr old. I watched a woman with such light and heart deteriorate before my eyes. I assumed that cancer was OUR fault as people, so I did not smoke. Smoking caused cancer, so I ran in fear. I literally ran, so I would live long and be indestructible. I wanted to live until I was 100 and not feel that pain. I wanted to save people from having to shorten their lives too quickly. I wanted control, I could not let go.

The thing is I need to let go, let god. I cannot live my life in fear anymore. I cannot analyze why someone did not "make it" anymore. The desire to control will slowly eat me away, take away my light and draw me further away from living life on life's terms. Honestly, no matter how many people I taught this to and how many years of therapy I had myself, this was a concept I did not grasp in my own life until maybe a few weeks ago. Having cancer can make you doubt what you did in your past and worry about every choice you make in the future.

If I am too focused on my future,  there will be so much I will miss out on. I need to take care of me in the present. That means to rest, "say no", and eat things that make me feel balanced. I will eat organic, gmo-free foods, because it makes me feel balanced. I am not running in fear. I will face my own demons head on.