Nightmare, absolute Nightmare

My IVF doctor called Sloan today to "negotiate" & Sloan has not gotten by blood work back from YESTERDAY, so I can confirm that I can start chemo. Sloan wants my estrogen levels down to 50 now, which my IVF doctor explained could take at least till Jan 6 & she usually stops when the levels are at 250 not 50 because it postpones chemo too much.

   I was on the phone with Sloan and my IVF doctor, who could not agree on philosophies about Femara and chemo. It was a nightmare. My IVF doctor is going to draw my blood again tomorrow & will get my results within hours to give to Sloan. At that point, I called the oncologist down at Virtua, whom I consulted with at the beginning of my diagnosis to get a second opinion. He too believes no issue with Femara and that after I get my blood drawn with my IVF doctor I can stop the Femara (as soon as possible) & my IVF doctor agreed with that prediction as well. I feel like Sloan has some agenda & philosophy that is only creating more harm than good. My oncologist in NJ is leaving an open door to have me start chemo with him on Monday if I change my mind & he can get all the paperwork from Sloan to start ASAP. 

   I haven't cried since the day I was diagnosed, because of how unknown everything was. I just felt like now, my chemo was so unknown and I couldn't stop crying or being just so angry. Its unfair that I had to go through this.

  I am going to sleep on my decision about chemo & get my blood work drawn at my IVF doctor's tomorrow. If Sloan continues to give me a hard time about this, I am going to drop their butts and go back to my original plan to stick with a doctor close to home. 

 These last two days were supposed to suck because of fatigue and nausea. They sucked because of unnecessary anger and tears and anxiety. 

 I decided to "treat" myself to a manicure & pedicure. Now, I am having a glass of wine. I think I deserve this! Tomorrow, I am going to get my blood work and take this treatment by the bull horns. All of this anger and anxiety will go down the drain with a nice 25-min run tomorrow and some good ol' Caitlin-style power lifting. 

Sike!

Remember back in the 90s when people used to say "Sike!" when they told you something was true, when it really was just a huge fabrication. Today, I had a classic example of that...except it wasn't funny.

We went all of the way by car & train to NYC to get my poison in my veins. Ran late btw and I got splashed by some taxi on 3rd Ave, because apparently in NYC I am transparent to taxis. Got to Sloan, waited, as they were held up. At this point my anxiety was through the roof, my hands always shake when I get anxious and I couldn't barely hold a pencil to fill paperwork. We FINALLY get beyond the waiting room to start chemo & then the worst thing possible could happen....

Surprise! I can't start today. Apparently the Femara given to me by UPenn for my IVF treatments interacts with EC & if I started today EC wouldn't be effective. Sloan had no idea I was on Femara still nor did Penn tell me it was an issue after I left my "harvesting" surgery on Sunday. I was told "I could start the next day." This was a classic case of miscommunication.

After I cried for an hour and worried profusely about the money I wasted coming to NYC, not starting chemo, and worrying about going back to work...you know, the usual worries. My doctor kindly apologized and educated me and my mother about the risks of starting. They also did my blood-work for Penn at Sloan so I can stop the Femara ASAP tomorrow and start chemo on Monday. The social worker also met with me an confirmed that Sloan completed my NJ Transit disability discount paperwork ($13 compared to $30 round trip  ) & reported that she is going to apply for me to get some funds from Sloan for transportation. They also sent out letters to all necessary persons to get my disability extended until the end of January, as they do it on a month to month basis. If necessary I will have the day of chemo and whatever days after that are my "worst" off from work, I get the whole month of January to figure it out.

I am still a little upset. I really just wish I could start, but now this gives me a chance to enjoy my NYE. It also allows me to actually make the trip out in PA without worrying about nausea in my car ride.

Normal Again

I am finally not as moody as I was over the last week. This injectable, Gona-F, caused me to go into super crazy, angry mode. They tapered the drug and now I am just on the tail end of medications until my retrieval. I will be getting "cultivated" on Sunday. I am looking forward to no more daily shots. I do not know how diabetics do this. Its painful!

On another note, I cut my hair. I decided to to a montage of my hair... I will miss you.

 2004

2005 

2006

2007 

2008

 2009

 2010

2011

Fertility Preservation

I started Fertility Preservation treatments last Monday... it is most likely the strangest thing I have ever done. Yes, its stranger than chemo at this point. I have been injecting myself with multiple types of medications. These medications have tricked my body to ovulate x30 and have made me gracefully look like I am a pubescent teen with acne. The hormones have made me moody and crappy.

Did I mention that I HATE ACNE? I was on ACCUTANE. Therefore, NO MORE ACNE. Of course Breast Cancer just gave me this gift too. Suck it breast cancer!!! I am glad I get to have kids saved for me one day and a nice, new chest. Thanks for those perks breast cancer. I do not appreciate the acne, the inability to closely shave my armpits, or the loss of my hair in 3 weeks. This acne looks like a rash and its gross. I am going to just wear my wigs backwards, so I can hide my acne under the hair and have my smooth, shiny bald head visible instead.

As you can tell these meds have made me moody, which why I have been avoiding posting. I promise that I will be back to my normal self once I have my oocytes/embryos retrieved this weekend.

 My egg retrieval is scheduled for the 26th. Kinda good luck? My oocytes are born on the Christmas holiday lol. Then a few days without doctors and I start chemo on the 29th. I promise my next post will be more normal.

Updates

1. Fertility Preservation - I met with the physicians at UPenn. I am getting 2/3 of this funded through Fertile Hope. The rest of this is coming from the eggsicles' future grandparents. I start treatments within 1-2 days and it can last up to two weeks. I should have the eggs cultivated either the day after christmas, christmas eve or december 23 if all goes as planned. Just beware, I might be extra moody and want more chocolate than usual. UPenn is taking appropriate measures with monitoring my hormone levels due to the cancer. I will be taking a drug call Femara to cap my estrogen, which brings it down 2/3 to what an average woman would have if they were undergoing fertility treatments.

2. Chemotherapy - I chose to go with my treatment at Sloan. I start on December 29. I will be going every other Wednesday for eight rounds. Ideally I would love people to join me...I will bribe you with the yummy Sloan snacks (i.e. pretzels, graham crackers, and saltines) or with some yummy NYC local foods. Also we can watch many episodes of Sex in the City, Big Bang Theory, Its Always Sunny, Roswell, Dinosaurs, Dexter, and Mad Men...if anyone has some Buffy the Vampire Slayer episodes, I need to catch up on those too. Chemotherapy will consist of 4 rounds (every 2 weeks) of EC then 4 rounds of T (every two weeks). For your reading pleasure I kindly linked these drugs to Wikipedia...

• E = Epirubicin 
• C = Cyclophosphamide
• T = Taxol

Sometime this week I am going to talk a little about controversial topics i.e. causes of cancer in our environment and foods. I really truly believe that these are the causes. Genetics comes into play for some people but not all. I strongly think mine was due to multiple factors, in which I will talk in more detail when I get some time. 

• Parabens in all my beauty products, which are known to mimic estrogens in our bodies.
• Birth Control Pills, which gave my body unnecessary levels of hormonal changes. 
• Alcohol , in which I kindly indulged in too much in undergrad
• Diet, which I know a lot about, but didn't follow until I was 22. Most Animal byproducts are full of hormones and steroids so the animals can be larger and produce more milk, eggs etc. Also anything that is full of preservatives (i.e. cold cuts, canned veggies, chips etc) somehow convert into hormones in our bodies. 

Besides updating everyone about how I am doing. I want to use this blog to educate people about what I deeply believe was the cause of my cancer. I do not have genetic breast cancer. I am estrogen positive and it is a very high (95%) estrogen positive, which leads me to believe it was a combination of all of these environmental factors over the last 26yrs of my life. If we apply estrogen on our skin, drink it, eat it, and take it in our medicines, especially us women whom produce estrogen naturally, our bodies will react. Too much of anything causes our bodies to work in overdrive, which increases cellular damage. Cellular damage = tumor growth. therefore, cancer develops. 

Project Future Offspring

Yesterday I spent a good portion of my morning on the phone with Sloan's Fertility Nurse Coordinator. She was wonderful, she educated me a lot about chemo and fertility, the types of fertility treatments, and grants to help pay for the cryopreservation medications and fees. She helped me find a really great location in Philadelphia (45min away from home!!) whom does a lot of work with breast cancer patients to ensure that the treatments do not increase their estrogen too high, which was a big concern of mine.

Starting Monday I will be meeting with a reproductive endocrinologist at U Penn, Dr. Gracia. I have three options 1. cultivate and freeze eggs, 2. cultivate eggs, create embryos and freeze embryos, or 3. freeze ovarian tissue, which will be transplanted into my body 6yrs from now. I will be going over these options with her and I will be starting the process as soon as possible. The process can take 2 weeks and when I am finished I literally will be starting chemo the next day.

I am leaning towards a place to do my chemotherapy. Just need to sit on it for a few more hours.

Cryopreserving Miniature Caits

I decided to follow through with the egg cryopreservation (i.e. freezing eggs) before chemo. I have had 4/5 physicians tell me its a good idea. I kept pushing it aside because I just felt like NOT adding another doctor to my life or anymore appointments, but after much consideration I think this is a good idea. Women on my mom's side of my family have a hard time conceiving in their 30s and if chemo is going to make that prospect worse for me, then I should take the right measures to do this.

I have found very little information. It is costly, thats what I do know. There is a foundation called Fertile Hope, which will help fund all the medications and egg cryopreservation for me. I am only responsible for storing the eggs and the IVF procedure when I do want a kid.

I am making more phone calls today and turning on my inner case manager. I have to call a nurse at Sloan to help guide me through the process, I also need to call NYU to try to get an urgent appointment to possibly start this process next week, as it is ideal towards the beginning of your next menstrual cycle. This could push off my chemo for 1-2 weeks, but then that will guarantee me a kid and also hair on NYE.

I am now on the fence as to where I want to do chemo. This is a decision I will make today. A very hard one to say the least, but at either location I can start ASAP.

Again

I went to NYC AGAIN today. I think this is this last of the seroma. Please pray and keep your fingers crossed for me. Today was the easiest trip into the city. Now that I have my drains out I can finally use mass transportation into NY. No traffic, just trains and ample time to finish one book and start another. It was a nice conclusion to the seroma saga.

I go back to Sloan on Wednesday. I am meeting with their oncologists for a second opinion for my chemotherapy. I will be meeting with one of their Radiation Oncologists soon sometime in the future. I just want to make sure all people are recommending the same thing. If I went with my first surgical opinion, we would have missed my lymph nodes and all of that DCIS floating in my L breast. I thank God everyday for my onocologist at Virtua and team at Sloan for IDing these things in my tests prior to surgery and recommending the mastectomy. I know I should see all options in front of me for this next leg of my 5 leg journey of treatment (yes, its that long).

My 5 Stages of Treatment
1. Bilateral Mastectomy with Immediate Reconstruction - 11/11/10 Done
2. Chemotherapy - Start 12/15/10 (lasts 5 months and will finish aprox at the end of April 2011)
3. Radiation to L chest wall and axilla - Start May 2011 End June 2011 and/or Start June 2011 End July 2011 (depends on Step 2 of Reconstruction)
4. Step Two of Reconstruction - May 2011 and/or December 2011 (depends on Radiation)
5. 5 years of Ovarian Suppression and Tamoxifen - May 2011

All in all one year from this point I will either have all of this behind me or I will be coming out of one of my last surgeries for a good amount of time. :-)

I meant to put something witty and funny in here today. I thought of it sitting in the waiting room at Sloan, but it passed my mind. Lately I have been pretty forgetful and spastic. I am getting Chemo brain even before the treatment starts lol.

Celebrate

After three long days in NYC.... drains out, seroma gone and/or significantly smaller. Moving onto my second fill and finalizing my chemotherapy treatment decisions. Have a Happy Thanksgiving. Now its time to take that real shower

NYC times Three

I have been to NYC twice this week and will be driving up a third time tomorrow. I wish I could live closer or drive myself, but I am lucky to have very supportive friends and family to tow me back to and from Sloan.

On Monday I saw my Plastic Surgeon for my f/u to check on my drains, drain the reoccurring seroma, and to take off my bandages. Good news: Bandages are off and the seroma was drained. Bad news: Only one of the drains came out. That means I get to wait a few more days until I can take a real shower with shaving and shampoo in tow.

I also saw my Oncologist in NJ on Monday. We discussed my pathology report. My cancer was IDC (Invasive Ductal Carcinoma), Stage 2b, Grade 3, Estrogen + (95%), Progesterone + (10%), and Her2-. The primary tumor in my left breast was 2.5cm with two smaller tumors (0.1cm) within the ducts. The lymph channels in my left breast were filled with calcifications (small pieces of cancer) and the ducts were fill with DCIS. I am glad I got the mastectomy otherwise I would have had so much cancer left in the left breast beyond the original lump. My surgeon removed 21 lymph nodes from my left side, 3 were positive for cancer (2 were within my breast and 1 was under my armpit). They found 0 signs of cancer on my right breast, but its gone and neither it nor my evil tumor ridden left breast can hurt me.

It looks like I will be doing chemotherapy. My oncologist is leaning towards using Adriamycin, Cytoxan, Taxol/Taxotere. I will be starting December 15, but I will not know the combination or frequency of treatment until I consult with the oncologist at Sloan on December 1. At that point, I will have a clearer idea of how long chemo will be. I also will be having radiation, I am truly not excited about this at all. I have read so much how it damages skin and your implants...bla bla bla. I have seen nothing good from it. It just seems very very old school, but apparently its "recommended" from my oncologist in NJ and my surgeons at Sloan. My onclogist is sending me for some more testing - Echocardiogram to get a baseline of my heart before chemo and a pelvic ultrasound due to my aunt being a survivor of ovarian cancer to also get a baseline. After I am done with Chemo and radiation, I will be on Tamoxifen and Lupron to shut off my ovaries and decrease my production of estrogen, due to my tumor's high estrogen receptivity.

Today I met with my oncological surgeon at Sloan, we also reviewed my pathology. 0 signs of tumors or cancer beyond my breast. She also drained the seroma some more...ewww. I was referred to a Medical Oncologist, Dr. Goldfarb, at Sloan for a consultation about the type of chemo Sloan would recommend based on my pathology. Sloan will be sending their recommendations to my oncologist in NJ and I will resume treatment in NJ. By next Wednesday I should have a clearer picture about things to come.

Tomorrow, I get to go back to NYC. My last drain is coming out, the last of the seroma is going away, and I am going to celebrate having my first shower in 13 days and getting to shave my legs in warm water. YAY

Seroma!!!!

I got the seroma drained on Friday and it went away for 24hours. It came back, it was painful and it sucked. I kept going on my walks hoping blood flow will help with the fluid retention, but alas it didn't work.
What did help was that my increased blood flow dislodged a clot in my drain, which was the culprit of this stupid stupid seroma. Gross, but kinda happy it was just that. Now my back and armpit are starting to feel like normal. This is incredibly painful to release all of this backed up lymph fluid through my body.

I also hoping I could get my drains out tomorrow, but it is looking very bleak if the drains are still filling. I still have to go to NYC tomorrow to make sure the drains are working etc etc. I also might have to move my oncologist appointment tomorrow, because Sloan hasn't sent over my pathology yet. I hate waiting, I am the most impatient person on earth. I just want to get the ball rolling with treatment ASAP!

For all of you who say you wish you could wear sweatpants everyday, take it back. I am sick of wearing hoodies and yoga pants everyday (a life I dreamed of temporarily when I was working). I would like to have an option as to what to wear. There are only so many VS yoga pants + hoodie + fuzzy sock outfits I can create. All I want to wear some nice jeans and a pullover sweater or even a shirt that doesn't zip or button up. It would also be nice to take a real shower and not a half-shower. I just hope I do not have to be this unkempt on Thanksgiving. It's starting to get embarrassing going out into public like this...Blegh

All Good Things Come to Those Who Wait

My drain removal got pushed back to today because they were still outputting a lot of fluid. I was a little frustrated because I truly want these out. I am craving a real shower. I am also looking forward to getting out of lounge gear and looking less homeless and unshowered.


Its a good thing that I had to wait until today, because yesterday I had my first negative side-effect from surgery. You hear about all these risks associated with surgery that only a FEW people get. I got to be the lucky few. I developed a seroma under my left armpit due to the removal of my axillary lymph nodes. This happens to less than 20% of people, which I was told "wouldn't be a worry." It has become a worry. My arm pit looks like someone cut a tennis ball in half and glued it to the inside. My physican is going to aspirate it with a needle today (insert sarcasm) What Fun! I just hope that it goes away and I have my arm pit back. I do not even care if they wait until Monday to remove my drains. I just want to put down my arm, it is really starting to get painful.


For all of you google geeks like me whom want to know "What is a seroma?":

A seroma is a pocket of clear serous fluid that sometimes develops in the body after surgery. When small blood vessels are ruptured, blood plasma can seep out; inflammation caused by dying injured cells also contributes to the fluid.

Seromas are different from hematomas, which contain red blood cells, and form abscesses, which contain pus and result from an infection.

In my case, my seroma (you know kinda like the song My Sharona) is filled with lymphatic fluid. The drains are kinda working its way out of me, but trust me that won't do the job. Wish me luck with getting another needle put into me today. Usually I would be frightened, but now needles nor blood do bother me. Maybe I shouldn't have given up on that whole doctor thing...people are right you eventually get used to needles and blood the more you are exposed to it.

Surgery...a few days late

I am sorry I have been a bad blogger. I have been mentally "out of it" since I came out from surgery on Thursday. The anesthesia and pain took a big hit on me and blogging was seriously the last thing on my mind at that time.

On Thursday, I went with my family and friends in tow to Sloan for my surgery. I got to wait 2hours until my appointment, I was a nervous wreck. It also didn't help that the admitting nurse kept trying to stab me in my hand for the IV, but my hand has 0 veins and can never take IV. I kept trying to explain that but alas, no one listens to me. My surgeon even explained this twice to two different nurses and they didn't listen to her...when does a nurse not follow a physician's orders?

I went into surgery. It was strange and very hi-tech. All I remember is a nurse and my doctor holding my hand. I woke up hours later in a room with my family around me. I honestly could not remember much, but the anesthesia apparently made me very giddy and outgoing and in 0 pain.

Hours later I came to, they removed all cancer. I woke up with the same size chest, which was a little disappointing because I have been living in an allusion that I was always a C cup, when I am really a big A. LOL

I also found out that they had to remove my left axillary lymph nodes (right under my armpit) even tho my prior testing did not show any signs of cancer in that area.  It is still unclear if they were cancerous or not. I should know when I get my pathology report back next week. My left armpit has 0 sensation and it feels like it doesn't exist, but I know its there. When they went in for surgery they saw suspicious signs of cancer in at least 2 nodes, they removed "fatty pocket of nodes" which also took away some of my sensations in that area.

I am 100% sure I am going to need chemo therapy. They are so far recommending "Dose dense" chemo either TCH or TAC. I am not too sure when that will start, but I should know more details once the path returns. I will be meeting with my oncologist on Nov 22 and have my postoperative appointment with my surgeon on Nov 23. I should know more details about pathology, prognosis, and further treatment.

The days after surgery were hard and taxing, but I tried my best to keep moving. I slept a lot and I moved as much as I could. I started a small walking regimen yesterday, I am up to 45min now. This is all I can do until I get my drains out. Sadly, I still have drains in me now, which seem to be producing less and less post-surgical fluid. That is a good thing, which means I am recovering 1 week faster than expected and will be getting my drains out this coming Wednesday Nov 17.

So far I am spending a lot of time relaxing, recovering, and itching to resume normal activities.

Disorganization

One thing I hate the most in this world is disorganization. Following that comes last minute surprises. That could be due to my "OCD" like behaviors, but it also could be due to the fact that I really cannot tolerate many more surprises after the cancer diagnosis.

Today at 5pm I had a wonderful (insert sarcasm) surprise... I have a 1pm appointment at Sloan. What? I never made that appointment. Apparently I have a doppleganger running around making cancer appointments for me. Or just by happen-chance the idiot who registered my appointments forgot to tell me about this one important pre-surgery appointment. Strange how she was the only one who knew...

Anyways, I thought that tomorrow would be my last day at work, but surprise today was... I can't even remember what I needed to do before I left. O well. Good thing I met with HR and finalized my disability...how strange some things work out.

How dare this disorganized secretary make a cancer person, nonetheless a cancer person with OCD, have to face a change in plans less than 24hrs before her appointment. Truly its blasphemy. I am definitely glad that my support staff, as I work in the medical/psych field, is much more organized and competent and cause my patients 0 stress.

Off I go to Sloan for the second time this week. I wonder what adventures lay ahead...

No More Testing

Finally, finally done with all the testing before surgery. I felt like a human lab rat ... definitely not the ideal situation for using my paid-time-off from work. I would rather be on vacation or at least doing something fun in NYC. Instead, I got to see all the wonders of Sloan Kettering Hospital in NYC. I got to wait in many waiting rooms, steal many free candies, drink some odd crystal-light drink pre-PET scan, and eat the same pretzels/graham crackers that they seem to serve in every waiting room through out the hospital. Good news is that I am done with anymore testing for now.

I first went to a biopsy of my axillary lymph nodes (which is under your armpit). Surprisingly that wasn't painful and I got the bonus of having my left arm numbed for 1 hour post procedure. I also got to have a PET Scan. I always heard about these things in neuropsychology classes, but yesterday I actually got to have one done to myself. It was strange to say the least. I drank some fluid, which tastes like Crystal Light, and was injected with radioactive material. I was highly radioactive, kinda like Radioactive Man from the Simpsons, but much cuter. I fell asleep through the whole procedure, it was a nice nap. The last step was pre-surgical testing, which was not worth the 2.5 hour wait. All I got done was a blood-test and an EKG...I think that was the least exciting part of my day. Considering I have been to the doctor almost 100 times over the last year, I have had enough blood drawn and EKGs done for an "average" persons lifetime.

Next steps are:
1.  Finishing up some paperwork for SSD and also getting more financial paperwork filled out by my physicians. I am hoping I can nab a little financial assistance from organizations to help with copays and transportation costs. Keep your fingers crossed for me!

2. Finalizing plastics and meeting with my plastic surgeon at Sloan next Monday. This would be almost any 20-something year old's dream. If it were under any other circumstances, it would be mine too jk. But seriously at least this will make this whole process a little less psychologically traumatizing for me.

3. Figuring out what Sloan and Virtua both will recommend for my hematology treatments. I think I will have to figure this out next Monday or on surgery next Thursday.

4. Getting a wig. This is truly going to be strange, but I have my hairdresser, whom went through this not too long ago helping me out with a few wigs. Thanks Michelle!

5. Getting all my loose ends tied up with help of Kyle's handy dandy to-do list (btw Ky put this stuff on that list too!!!)

Okay off to get some of this stuff done..

Sleep!!!

I slept 10 hours yesterday...I could have slept longer. It was very nice.

Tomorrow, I have some more testing in NYC. I get to have another biopsy...fun, looking forward to that (insert sarcasm). I also get to become a lab rat AKA pet scan, chest xray, EKG, and bloodwork to get me ready for surgery next week. I hope I get some good food at the end of all of this.

Can I be this strong?

Now that most people know about this...I feel a little strange. I am not used to being open about my business. I am a therapist, most of my issues are kept behind closed doors, instilled within barriers, and kept between me and my closest family & friends. For some reason, I just felt it was right to do this blog...to actually share this with the world. Strange, but somehow right in the same.

Someone told me last week that they hoped I will learn something about myself from all of this. On my run this afternoon, I kept thinking how the *bleep* did you actually start a blog about your life. Something must have clicked in me over these last three weeks. When I was halfway into my run, I started to realize I am much stronger than I thought. Back in May I never thought I'd run again with my bad knees. At that time, I also never thought I would have the strength to admit that I am sick or imperfect, but I was strong enough to overcome all those obstacles.

I am sure there are some more lessons to come. I am just waiting for it to happen.

Never Will Happen to Me

Have you ever thought that something would never happen to you? Or that you lived your entire young adulthood and adulthood trying your damn hardest to prevent something from happening to you?

I have... It seems as if almost every family member of mine has had cancer or some form of heart disease. I knew that all I needed to do to not fall victim to one of these progressive, fatal illnesses was to 1. exercise, 2. eat healthy, and 3. keep up with my medical treatment. I did all these things. I have always done all these things for as long as I can remember. Sure, I have had my share of being lazy and eating junk food, but I spend most of my days living a pseudo-vegetarian and athlete lifestyle. I was not going to catch any disease. I was going to be untouchable, perfect.

Unfortunately, no one is perfect, untouchable, or free from falling ill. This is what has been the hardest for me to take in...

In August, I found a lump in my breast. I am 26. I actually found it before going hiking. I assumed immediately it was cancer, but rationalized (or just used intellectualization) that I was 26 and that there was no way I could have cancer. I figured I would just sit, see if it goes away, and I did make an appointment with my OBGyn 3 weeks later. I was in no rush. Nor did I think it was anyway possible that I could be sick. Obviously I was not worried when I was hiking that day...

3 weeks later the lump still remained. My OBGyn sent me to get an ultrasound. Everyone thought it was "nothing." I mean who hears of young women getting cancer...not breast cancer at least. The ultrasound showed a small 1cm cyst, so I went to a Breast Specialist and then got to get the cyst biopsied. A cone biopsy is painful, it hurts a lot and I hope no one ever has to go through that.

The biopsy came back one week later...To be honest I kind of forgot about the whole biopsy at that point. See, I wasn't worried. I got the call..."Caitlin I am afraid to tell you but the biopsy came back and you have cancer." My world became a fog and I couldn't hear anything else my doctor said...I told him I would call him back. I sat at my office and cried. I felt helpless. I felt like I failed at trying to avoid this inevitable illness.

I am very lucky I have supportive coworkers, family, and friends. At that point, whomever I told just stood by me and helped me feel supported. I didn't feel so alone. I didn't feel so helpless. I kicked my butt into gear and started figuring out what I needed to do to beat this illness. I made doctors appointments with oncologists, surgeons, and went for more testing. I had to keep my head up and I did. I have amazing people in my life who helped me with this.

It has taken me three weeks to write my first entry in this blog. I haven't had an easy time telling people about this. I am finally at the point where I feel comfortable talking to people about it openly. I also figured this blog is much easier for me to do then try to remember whom I am updating or telling about this all. It also seems like it will be a great place for me to find some hope and to express my feelings.

So far I am two weeks away from surgery. I am mixed with feelings of excitement and fear. I kinda just want this alien life form out of me and move on with my life. I will be going to Sloan Kettering for my surgery on Nov 11. I am having a bilateral done as one family member had breast cancer years ago and I just do not want this sucker to come back in my other side. I will be seeing an oncologist at Sloan and at Fox Chase. I am not sure what treatments will be, but I should know on Nov 22 when they get my pathology reports back from surgery.

 I will let everyone know how I am doing as this progresses. Hopefully my blog can help others as my reading others' blogs online have helped me.