Dearest Hormones,
Please be shutting off. You are trying to kill me. Thanks much.
Caitlin
I think the Lupron injection is working. My breathing was not so good 3 weeks ago - I would get shortness of breath if I talked too fast, walked up a flight of stairs, and exercised beyond "normal." I have noticed that my heart is no longer racing from walking up stairs, I can talk and not feel like my left lung collapsed & I can sleep through the night without coughing. This must be a sign that one of my medications is starting to work & kill the cancer babies. I also was able to do 30min of straight cardio yesterday and squats without getting shortness of breath. This is actually big news for me. Three weeks ago, I felt I was getting worse because my symptoms were actually worsening. I am starting to feel normal.
I really hope that this is it. I start the second medication in 3 days. I hope Femara + Lupron shuts down my evil hormones & kill the cancer babies.
I am also getting a second opinion at Sloan next week & a third opinion at Cornell the following week. I hope they all agree that taking Femara & Lupron is the best treatment. I do not want to have surgery. I do not want to do chemo. I do not want a port. Please give me a chance to beat this without going through the nightmare I went through in 2010.
Saturday, August 31, 2013
Friday, August 23, 2013
If slow wins the race, why am I so frustrated.
I AM NOT USED TO GOING SLOW. I like to drive fast. I do not see the point in walking if I can run. I prefer to multitask, so I get done quicker. I have learned that driving fast leads to speed tickets & thankfully I have given that up. I like money more & prefer saving then spending on traffic fines. At work, I am used to being a super-human...I am accepting that I can relax & go slow. This I am okay with.
I am not okay with NOT running. I have not ran since I first learned about the fluid on my lung & when I was cleared to run (i.e. we knew this was not pneumonia) my lung hurt too much to run. I hate walking. I have to figure out how to accept that this is a change, maybe not permanent, but at least for 2 months. I also cannot do plyometrics (i.e. burpees, squat jumps, box jumps). I feel weak. I cough like a smoker when I try to do these things & I feel old. Not 29 old, but 79 old.
How can I accept this? Someone told me to try walking, so I did. I walked to my gym (which is a first) as it is only 1mi away. I realized in that walk that I must be a lazy bum for not walking there for the past 2yrs. I not only got in some cardio, I got to listen to music and enjoyed the weather. I wanted to run, because I did get bored. I just need to find something positive in walking and accept what I can versus cannot do. I can lift weights & walk. So I have been demoted to normal. No longer super exercise chic running 5+ miles and lifting weights with plyometrics. I walk like a normal person. Ugh. Whatever. This will have to do.
I am not okay with NOT running. I have not ran since I first learned about the fluid on my lung & when I was cleared to run (i.e. we knew this was not pneumonia) my lung hurt too much to run. I hate walking. I have to figure out how to accept that this is a change, maybe not permanent, but at least for 2 months. I also cannot do plyometrics (i.e. burpees, squat jumps, box jumps). I feel weak. I cough like a smoker when I try to do these things & I feel old. Not 29 old, but 79 old.
How can I accept this? Someone told me to try walking, so I did. I walked to my gym (which is a first) as it is only 1mi away. I realized in that walk that I must be a lazy bum for not walking there for the past 2yrs. I not only got in some cardio, I got to listen to music and enjoyed the weather. I wanted to run, because I did get bored. I just need to find something positive in walking and accept what I can versus cannot do. I can lift weights & walk. So I have been demoted to normal. No longer super exercise chic running 5+ miles and lifting weights with plyometrics. I walk like a normal person. Ugh. Whatever. This will have to do.
Thursday, August 8, 2013
Keep the Good News Coming
Sorry, I have been a little wrapped up in NOT being a professional patient. On Tuesday, my doctor called & my bone scan was clear. All my scans look good & before I met with my doctor on Wednesday all I was looking at was a pleural effusion & two rouge nodes.
At this point, I was still very confused as to how my cancer just appears in fluid with no tumor. I should be greatful that I caught this early, but it felt strange. This is how it happened. My tumor was fueled by estrogen, which we assumed was birth control & environmental toxins. It was removed November 2010. Apparently all tumors like to spore cells to create more tumors, tumors do not like to live alone, they spore like fungi and like to create colonies. My tumor was resistant to chemo - a little cell (spore) lived despite getting blasted with Red Death (Epirubicin) & Agent Orange (Cytoxan). This little spore withstood 12 weeks of taxing Taxol that stole my eyebrows, but did not kill this cell. This cell lived on dormant until my ovaries (which apparently hate me) decided to turn back on 6 months after chemo. My ovaries are apparently super human & pump out more estrogen than I can even imagine. My ovaries fed this little cell estrogen & it decided it would travel to my chest wall and hang out in between my chest wall & lung. Slowly my cancer grew, slowly it created inflammation and fluid. The nodes are not cancerous in the scan, but are a reaction to the fluid.
There you go folks this little spore joined up with my ovaries in an attempt to try to beat me down. I have a plan & too bad I will kill you both.
On Wednesday my oncologist told me my first line of defense for a Stage IV reoccurrance is with anti-hormonal therapy. Tamoxifen did not work for me, well it helped me be grumpy and bloated, but it did not do anything for not feeding estrogen to my cancer. Now, we shut off my ovaries. I was given a shot of Lupron & will start Femara (my new anti-hormonal) in 27days. Lets hope this works to starve out the cancer. I see my oncologist for follow-up on Sept 4th. I have to get my tumor markers measured every month & a CT Scan of my chest every 3mo. Tomorrow (my 29th birthday) I will get my baseline tumor markers.
In the meantime, I had to call my ObGyn Oncologist to consult about removing my ovaries and forcing me into menopause at 29. I see him on August 27. I also had to schedule a second opinion consult with Dr. Linda Valdhat at Cornell, whom specializes in metastatic breast cancer. She is also doing a promising study with Stage IV Breast Cancer patients whom are No Evidence of Disease, which has been very promising. This study controls and monitors the copper in our bodies. After hearing that one woman is 4yrs with no disease and another is 6yrs, I really want to see this doctor.
I would like to have no signs of cancer again & if I have to be a professional patient again, I will.
At this point, I was still very confused as to how my cancer just appears in fluid with no tumor. I should be greatful that I caught this early, but it felt strange. This is how it happened. My tumor was fueled by estrogen, which we assumed was birth control & environmental toxins. It was removed November 2010. Apparently all tumors like to spore cells to create more tumors, tumors do not like to live alone, they spore like fungi and like to create colonies. My tumor was resistant to chemo - a little cell (spore) lived despite getting blasted with Red Death (Epirubicin) & Agent Orange (Cytoxan). This little spore withstood 12 weeks of taxing Taxol that stole my eyebrows, but did not kill this cell. This cell lived on dormant until my ovaries (which apparently hate me) decided to turn back on 6 months after chemo. My ovaries are apparently super human & pump out more estrogen than I can even imagine. My ovaries fed this little cell estrogen & it decided it would travel to my chest wall and hang out in between my chest wall & lung. Slowly my cancer grew, slowly it created inflammation and fluid. The nodes are not cancerous in the scan, but are a reaction to the fluid.
There you go folks this little spore joined up with my ovaries in an attempt to try to beat me down. I have a plan & too bad I will kill you both.
On Wednesday my oncologist told me my first line of defense for a Stage IV reoccurrance is with anti-hormonal therapy. Tamoxifen did not work for me, well it helped me be grumpy and bloated, but it did not do anything for not feeding estrogen to my cancer. Now, we shut off my ovaries. I was given a shot of Lupron & will start Femara (my new anti-hormonal) in 27days. Lets hope this works to starve out the cancer. I see my oncologist for follow-up on Sept 4th. I have to get my tumor markers measured every month & a CT Scan of my chest every 3mo. Tomorrow (my 29th birthday) I will get my baseline tumor markers.
In the meantime, I had to call my ObGyn Oncologist to consult about removing my ovaries and forcing me into menopause at 29. I see him on August 27. I also had to schedule a second opinion consult with Dr. Linda Valdhat at Cornell, whom specializes in metastatic breast cancer. She is also doing a promising study with Stage IV Breast Cancer patients whom are No Evidence of Disease, which has been very promising. This study controls and monitors the copper in our bodies. After hearing that one woman is 4yrs with no disease and another is 6yrs, I really want to see this doctor.
I would like to have no signs of cancer again & if I have to be a professional patient again, I will.
Friday, August 2, 2013
Good News at 9am
My doctor is out of the office until Monday, but his nurse practitioner called me this morning to report that my Brain MRI is NORMAL & my CT of the Abdomen & Pelvis is NORMAL. This is good news. The tissues of all my organs are healthy. The only current visible signs of concern is the Pleural Fluid in my left Lung and 2 Lymph nodes behind my chest wall - 1.7cm & 2cm, which hasn't changed since I got the Chest CT on 7/17.
I am still waiting on my Bone Scan results, but I got that done later in the day yesterday & I am assuming that it can take a while to read a bone scan, which has all 206 bones in my body. Keep Praying for me!
I also have to add that my work has been awesome through all of this. My coworkers rallied together and have helped me lower my lode at work until I have my treatment plan & also until I get back from vacation on 8/19/13. Also my work is having people donate sick/vacation time to me just in case I might need it for treatments or surgery. I am very greatful I am blessed with working for such an amazing agency. It helps working with Mental Health Therapists, they really show their empathy and compassion when the time gets tough for us. I hope one day I can show them how much I appreciate all of their help & kind words.
I am still waiting on my Bone Scan results, but I got that done later in the day yesterday & I am assuming that it can take a while to read a bone scan, which has all 206 bones in my body. Keep Praying for me!
I also have to add that my work has been awesome through all of this. My coworkers rallied together and have helped me lower my lode at work until I have my treatment plan & also until I get back from vacation on 8/19/13. Also my work is having people donate sick/vacation time to me just in case I might need it for treatments or surgery. I am very greatful I am blessed with working for such an amazing agency. It helps working with Mental Health Therapists, they really show their empathy and compassion when the time gets tough for us. I hope one day I can show them how much I appreciate all of their help & kind words.
Thursday, August 1, 2013
Stupid Cancer
On
7/29/13, I learned that my disease came back. Doctors tell us that we
do not need scans & to look out for symptoms. I had NO symptoms. My
mets diagnosis was a fluke. I got an EKG done at my new Primary Doctor
& I had an extra heart beat, which has happened before. She sent me
for an echocardiogram just to follow up on all the cancer treatments I
had and the extra heart beat. The echo found fluid on my lungs. I was
sent for a Chest CT to clarify what the fluid was & my oncologist
sent me to get the Fluid biopsied. The fluid came back positive for
Breast Cancer. At that time, I still had NO symptoms and no visible
tumor or sign of cancer on my Chest CT. Now... the journey starts again.
Today I went for a CT of the Abdomen & Pelvis, Brain MRI, and Bone Scan. I won't know the results until Wednesday, but I am trying to stay in the moment. I tell my clients to take their recovery "One Day at a Time," but when you actually are forced to do it, it is the hardest.
This Stage IV diagnosis has been harder than the first. I took the first with stride. I knew stage 2 was curable. I know Stage 4 is a chronic disease, that can be cured, but it is much tricker than that. You start to worry about what you could have done to prevent this. I contemplate the poor choices I made in my past. Did I get cancer, because:
1. I was being fed Birth Control pills for PMDD & cramps that would leave me parylyzed. (how the hell did I know that cancer is fueled by estrogen, I thought only unhealthy people got cancer)
2. From 18-23 I liked tanning, I did not like sunblock & I had a good tan. I still went to the beach after cancer, maybe it is the sun's fault (wait, I do not have skin cancer)
3. Maybe it is because for a while I liked to drink & drinking liked me, but honestly if that caused it than every person under 30 would have breast cancer
4. Maybe it is because I ate like crap ... that was almost 6yrs ago
Granted there can be no cause for this. WE ALL HAVE CANCER CELLS IN OUR BODIES. Mine just got turned on. My body was my temple, but my body fought back. Now, I have to fight the cancer.
Do not get me wrong, I have spent the last 4 days concerned about my future. I know I will never be able to bear a child. That honestly does not bother me, I can adopt or get a surrogate. The thing that bothers me the most is worrying if I will marry my boyfriend, get old with him, and actually get a gray hair before my body stops working.
This is my reality. This is what living with Stage IV cancer is like. This is why I have to live in the present. I cannot worry about what next week will bring. I need to stay mindful and focused in the present & the only things in my future I know is that:
1. I will see my doctor & I will have a plan by next Wed
2. Stage IV cancer will not stop me from LIVING - I plan on traveling and living as normal of a life that I can live
3. I will always love my Kyle, my family & my friends
4. That I will always be myself
Everything else is truly a wash when it comes down to it.
A good friend of mine, who has Stage IV cancer, told me we are 3D. It does not mean the end. We will even wear 3D glasses to chemo to make a point - Stage IV does not mean death. There are plenty of documented and undocumented cases of people beating this, being cured for years, or even LIVING with mets.
Wish me luck
Today I went for a CT of the Abdomen & Pelvis, Brain MRI, and Bone Scan. I won't know the results until Wednesday, but I am trying to stay in the moment. I tell my clients to take their recovery "One Day at a Time," but when you actually are forced to do it, it is the hardest.
This Stage IV diagnosis has been harder than the first. I took the first with stride. I knew stage 2 was curable. I know Stage 4 is a chronic disease, that can be cured, but it is much tricker than that. You start to worry about what you could have done to prevent this. I contemplate the poor choices I made in my past. Did I get cancer, because:
1. I was being fed Birth Control pills for PMDD & cramps that would leave me parylyzed. (how the hell did I know that cancer is fueled by estrogen, I thought only unhealthy people got cancer)
2. From 18-23 I liked tanning, I did not like sunblock & I had a good tan. I still went to the beach after cancer, maybe it is the sun's fault (wait, I do not have skin cancer)
3. Maybe it is because for a while I liked to drink & drinking liked me, but honestly if that caused it than every person under 30 would have breast cancer
4. Maybe it is because I ate like crap ... that was almost 6yrs ago
Granted there can be no cause for this. WE ALL HAVE CANCER CELLS IN OUR BODIES. Mine just got turned on. My body was my temple, but my body fought back. Now, I have to fight the cancer.
Do not get me wrong, I have spent the last 4 days concerned about my future. I know I will never be able to bear a child. That honestly does not bother me, I can adopt or get a surrogate. The thing that bothers me the most is worrying if I will marry my boyfriend, get old with him, and actually get a gray hair before my body stops working.
This is my reality. This is what living with Stage IV cancer is like. This is why I have to live in the present. I cannot worry about what next week will bring. I need to stay mindful and focused in the present & the only things in my future I know is that:
1. I will see my doctor & I will have a plan by next Wed
2. Stage IV cancer will not stop me from LIVING - I plan on traveling and living as normal of a life that I can live
3. I will always love my Kyle, my family & my friends
4. That I will always be myself
Everything else is truly a wash when it comes down to it.
A good friend of mine, who has Stage IV cancer, told me we are 3D. It does not mean the end. We will even wear 3D glasses to chemo to make a point - Stage IV does not mean death. There are plenty of documented and undocumented cases of people beating this, being cured for years, or even LIVING with mets.
Wish me luck
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)