Stupid Cancer

On 7/29/13, I learned that my disease came back. Doctors tell us that we do not need scans & to look out for symptoms. I had NO symptoms. My mets diagnosis was a fluke. I got an EKG done at my new Primary Doctor & I had an extra heart beat, which has happened before. She sent me for an echocardiogram just to follow up on all the cancer treatments I had and the extra heart beat. The echo found fluid on my lungs. I was sent for a Chest CT to clarify what the fluid was & my oncologist sent me to get the Fluid biopsied. The fluid came back positive for Breast Cancer. At that time, I still had NO symptoms and no visible tumor or sign of cancer on my Chest CT. Now... the journey starts again. 

Today I went for a CT of the Abdomen & Pelvis, Brain MRI, and Bone Scan. I won't know the results until Wednesday, but I am trying to stay in the moment. I tell my clients to take their recovery "One Day at a Time," but when you actually are forced to do it, it is the hardest. 

This Stage IV diagnosis has been harder than the first. I took the first with stride. I knew stage 2 was curable. I know Stage 4 is a chronic disease, that can be cured, but it is much tricker than that. You start to worry about what you could have done to prevent this. I contemplate the poor choices I made in my past. Did I get cancer, because:
   1. I was being fed Birth Control pills for PMDD & cramps that would leave me parylyzed. (how the hell did I        know that cancer is fueled by estrogen, I thought only unhealthy people got cancer)
   2. From 18-23 I liked tanning, I did not like sunblock & I had a good tan. I still went to the beach after cancer, maybe it is the sun's fault (wait, I do not have skin cancer)
   3. Maybe it is because for a while I liked to drink & drinking liked me, but honestly if that caused it than every person under 30 would have breast cancer
   4. Maybe it is because I ate like crap ... that was almost 6yrs ago
Granted there can be no cause for this. WE ALL HAVE CANCER CELLS IN OUR BODIES. Mine just got turned on. My body was my temple, but my body fought back. Now, I have to fight the cancer. 

Do not get me wrong, I have spent the last 4 days concerned about my future. I know I will never be able to bear a child. That honestly does not bother me, I can adopt or get a surrogate. The thing that bothers me the most is worrying if I will marry my boyfriend, get old with him, and actually get a gray hair before my body stops working. 

This is my reality. This is what living with Stage IV cancer is like. This is why I have to live in the present. I cannot worry about what next week will bring. I need to stay mindful and focused in the present & the only things in my future I know is that:
  1. I will see my doctor & I will have a plan by next Wed
  2. Stage IV cancer will not stop me from LIVING - I plan on traveling and living as normal of a life that I can live
  3. I will always love my Kyle, my family & my friends
  4. That I will always be myself
Everything else is truly a wash when it comes down to it. 

A good friend of mine, who has Stage IV cancer, told me we are 3D. It does not mean the end. We will even wear 3D glasses to chemo to make a point - Stage IV does not mean death. There are plenty of documented and undocumented cases of people beating this, being cured for years, or even LIVING with mets. 

Wish me luck