I have gone to one of four consultations coming up.
1. 12.20 : Dr. Iorio in Colts Neck NJ (so far 2 women said wonderful things about him w post-rad reconstruction)
LARGE BREASTS AFTER RECONSTRUCTION ARE POSSIBLE...I left with HOPE & there is hope for others.
I had an appointment this last Tuesday and was told that there are 3 options in my case.
1. They reopen myself, lower the implants, create more space between them, swap for higher profile 475cc implants and get rid of the capsule around my implants. THAT WOULD BE ONE SURGERY with drains & 1 week recovery. CONS: This leaves me in the same place pretty much...
2. They reopen, and replace the expanders, but lower the placement, create more space, and slowly expand over 4 mo to get me to my ideal 600cc implants and will swap to 45(EXTRA high profile) 600cc implants. THIS would be 2 surgeries, with one week recovery from both. CONS: implant could fail and we would need to use a lat, but the doctor on Tuesday said he COULD DO it.
3. Lat flap on both implants, clear out the scar tissue, lower placement, and then immediately place 600cc implants. Would have 4 drains & 4-5weeks of recovery. CONS: scars & time off.
I am leaning more towards option 2 & I really like dr. Iorio, but I have to hear out my options. Its looking like I wil have surgery in the end of Jan or begining of Feb, which brings me just intime for the conference in New Orleans on Feb 23.
Left to go
2. 12.23: Dr. Shoen in Metuchen (recommended by another friend, did a wonderful lat flap on her)
3. 12.30: Dr. Disa at Sloan (apparently to see if he would do a Lat on my left side that has hardened like a rock)
4. 1.17: Dr. Grecco in Red Bank, whom completely reconstructed my aunt's abdomen after Sloan botched up her insicions post-ovarian cancer surgery.
Thursday, December 22, 2011
12/14/11 IMPLANT RANT PART 2
I saw my original PS at Sloan relating to my unhappiness with my flat, smashed together, manly looking, non-boob implants. The apt went poorly to say the least. I went to go to NYC expecting the worst. Already on the verge of tears & feeling hopeless. Granted I probably shouldn't have gone to work after this apt either.
The worst did happen. She refused to operate on me and her only option was wait 6 mo and do little revisions under my armpits. I think the bigger issue is the lack of depth to my cleavage because the implants are too close together and a lack of projection.
I was told:
1. No breast reconstruction has projection.
2. I did lose the weight and she admitted she made a mistake with placement of the implants.
3. She can't do anything now that I had radiation
4. I just will have to deal with it.
5. I cant get a lat flap bc I am too young (HUH???)
6. I must have had Body Dysmorphic Disorder pre-cancer because I wouldn't have been that upset.
7. Massage the hard implant (which has only made my lymphedema act up)
I left there with another apt with a Dr. Disa at Sloan (which I doubt will do me any good) and a referral for a Psychiatrist. (Because being on medication will just numb me and make me forget that she f*cked up). The referral was for a Dr. in NYC I live in NJ and asked for referrals in NJ (just to satisfy this PS) and guess what? The numbers were all wrong and none of the doctors took my insurance, what wonderful case management.
My parents are on the verge of suing Sloan Kettering. They screwed me over with Chemo & with Plastic Surgery and dropped the ball 2x leaving me crying in the room and deferring me to a social worker. (Have a therapist, processed the cancer already HELLLOOO).
I left there upset to say the least.
I have four consultations coming up.
1. 12.20 : Dr. Iorio in Colts Neck NJ (so far 2 women said wonderful things about him w post-rad reconstruction)
2. 12.23: Dr. Disa at Sloan (apparently to see if he would do a Lat on my left side that has hardened like a rock)
3. 12.23: Dr. Shoen in Metuchen (recommended by another friend)
4. 1.17: Dr. Grecco in Red Bank, whom completely reconstructed my aunt's abdomen after Sloan botched up her insicions post-ovarian cancer surgery.
I am hoping to have a solid answer before Christmas. I want the possibility of new boobs for Christmas, or at least in the process of it pre-valentines day. I was so much happier last year with my TEs and bald. Who would have thought??
The worst did happen. She refused to operate on me and her only option was wait 6 mo and do little revisions under my armpits. I think the bigger issue is the lack of depth to my cleavage because the implants are too close together and a lack of projection.
I was told:
1. No breast reconstruction has projection.
2. I did lose the weight and she admitted she made a mistake with placement of the implants.
3. She can't do anything now that I had radiation
4. I just will have to deal with it.
5. I cant get a lat flap bc I am too young (HUH???)
6. I must have had Body Dysmorphic Disorder pre-cancer because I wouldn't have been that upset.
7. Massage the hard implant (which has only made my lymphedema act up)
I left there with another apt with a Dr. Disa at Sloan (which I doubt will do me any good) and a referral for a Psychiatrist. (Because being on medication will just numb me and make me forget that she f*cked up). The referral was for a Dr. in NYC I live in NJ and asked for referrals in NJ (just to satisfy this PS) and guess what? The numbers were all wrong and none of the doctors took my insurance, what wonderful case management.
My parents are on the verge of suing Sloan Kettering. They screwed me over with Chemo & with Plastic Surgery and dropped the ball 2x leaving me crying in the room and deferring me to a social worker. (Have a therapist, processed the cancer already HELLLOOO).
I left there upset to say the least.
I have four consultations coming up.
1. 12.20 : Dr. Iorio in Colts Neck NJ (so far 2 women said wonderful things about him w post-rad reconstruction)
2. 12.23: Dr. Disa at Sloan (apparently to see if he would do a Lat on my left side that has hardened like a rock)
3. 12.23: Dr. Shoen in Metuchen (recommended by another friend)
4. 1.17: Dr. Grecco in Red Bank, whom completely reconstructed my aunt's abdomen after Sloan botched up her insicions post-ovarian cancer surgery.
I am hoping to have a solid answer before Christmas. I want the possibility of new boobs for Christmas, or at least in the process of it pre-valentines day. I was so much happier last year with my TEs and bald. Who would have thought??
11/26/11 IMPLANT RANT PART I
I have probally complained about my exchange results enough to my local YSC ladies. I went into surgery under the impression that my implants would look and be as projected as my TEs. My implants came out flatter, narrower, and much smaller. I have a great cleavage, but no projection and 0 roundness at the bottom. Its literally square like a man's pecs. I also have two folds of fatty tissue between the implant and armpit. I am only 5'"7ish and 135lbs and NEVER had armpit fat folds except when I was 160lbs and in college.
I saw my surgeon last in August with these complaints and she blamed it on my body shape (I have a slightly concave ribcage), me being fat, and me not giving my exchange enough time (at the point I was at the 3mo mark). She also said no surgeon would even consider on revising me because of the radiation and she will see me in 3mo. I have struggled to lose the weight & I have lost whatever weight I could afford to lose at this point. I am so unhappy and hate looking in the mirror. I actually was pretty confident with myself when my TEs were around 530ccs and I was even heavier at 145lbs. Now, I feel like a man or that I have no boobs at all. When I think about how i look, I cry. I think that there is no hope for looking normal ever again & I went into this exchange getting fed BS that Id have larger boobs & a nice cleavage and the armpit fat would be gone. None of that (minus the cleavage) happened. There is also 0 fold under my breasts. They look horrible.
I am seeing this surgeon again on Dec 14th and i am seeing a different surgeon on Dec 20th. I really want these ugly foobs ripped off of me. I hate waiting around and feeling so depressed about myself. I dunno what to do in the meantime or if anyone here can relate & give me a story of hope. I have struggled with body image issues since I was a teenager & this is really taking me for a rollercoaster.
In Need of Many Updates
I have been soo busy with the move and the new job, that I forgot I had a blog. I guess life moved on beyond cancer. Job is great, life with boyfriend is amazing.
Medical Updates: OBGYN Oncologist had me do my biannual CA-125, pelvic ultrasound, vaginal ultrasound and cervical biposy all were NED. I go back in April for f/u and monitoring.
Lately I have been upset about my implants, I am sure you have heard a lot about this already, but here is an update I have posted on my support group board. I have not been happy with my breasts after the swap. I am the only survivor that LOVED my TEs...so that is a clue about the rant you might see (there will be a part 2 and 3).
Medical Updates: OBGYN Oncologist had me do my biannual CA-125, pelvic ultrasound, vaginal ultrasound and cervical biposy all were NED. I go back in April for f/u and monitoring.
Lately I have been upset about my implants, I am sure you have heard a lot about this already, but here is an update I have posted on my support group board. I have not been happy with my breasts after the swap. I am the only survivor that LOVED my TEs...so that is a clue about the rant you might see (there will be a part 2 and 3).
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
No More Chemopause
UPDATES
Chemopause No More
To my surprise on Monday I finally got my Aunt Flo back. Chemo shut down my ovaries and my monthly visitor left my life back in March. It was a nice time away from this week of annoyance. When my ovaries slept and I went into chemo-pause, I had minimal acne, I didn't have strange cravings for food, I wasn't very moody, and I was never cold because hot flashes kept me nice and toasty.
Now, I am a real 27yr old woman again. Sucks... I kinda didn't want it to come back. My face is broken out. I am cold. I am grumpy and over emotional (trust me people can vouch for this one). I am tired. My body hurts. The kicker is that I woke up every morning this week craving something: Monday it was rice chex, Tuesday it was hot chocolate and Today it was a cheeseburger. What The??? Really its like someone didn't slowly turn on my estrogen reserves but let it flood the gates. I even had thoughts last night to have a hysterectomy. Life was much more peaceful without Flo.
The only plus side of this is that the pudge I started to build on my stomach (as I USED to have a visible abdomen pre-chemo pause) flushed itself away. Apparently my metabolism is back on, now that my ovaries are back ruining my life. I cannot wait until I am 50... or even 40 when I can sit back, relax, eat like a bird and not have to worry about stupid girl stuff.
Pap Smear BS
I also need to STILL see my OBGYN every 6months. Chemo and/or Tamoxifen is causing me to have abnormal paps. It's not cancerous. It's something call ASC-US. It is short for atypical cells of undetermined significance and indicates mild cellular cervical changes with an unknown cause. This could be caused by the yeast infection I had during my pap, chemo, or the fact that tamoxifen messes with our womanly organs. It's not cancer people. My doctor is just very worried. He found the breast lump, so now he wants me to get this thing called a Colposcopy . I am having my mom go with me, because I now get panic attacks at every damn doctors appointments. Apparently she has had one before and can be there for emotional support. She can also buy me some yummy ice cream too (hint hint). Apparently my doctor is doing this because I had cancer and is just being pre-cautious like always. If it were cancer it would be High Grade Dysplasia and I just have ASCUS. Now, I think it is a good idea for me to also see a Gynocological Oncologist to monitor me with Papsmears, these Colposcopy things (if my pap smears suck again), Transvaginal US to monitor my ovaries and Abdominal US to monitor my uterus every 6 months. DO NOT worry this is not cancer. I am just getting monitored people. Also, the US do not cause radiation, so its safe for this BC survivor.
My doctor really feels that my cancer was genetic and that most likely my aunt's ovarian cancer was too. Good doctor, just wish I could go a little while without having to see him or my oncology team. Ha...I think its too late for that. I already found a Gynecological Oncologist at Jersey Shore Hospital, so I am going to be a good patient and call to make an appointment in October once my REALLY GOOD new insurance starts up.
I am NOT Fat!
Another update is that I am trying to lose that 15lbs my doctor told me to lose back in August. My PS will not operate on me nor liposuction the flaps of skin/fat that accumulated around my reconstruction. Her solution was : "You are fat." I am not coping well with this. I am not fat. I know that, but really you cannot fix what you did? I was blabbing on about these flaps pre-exchange. She told me that it was from the Tissue Expanders, then post exchange it was swelling and two months later its because I am fat.
As you can see, I am gonna find a NEW plastic surgeon. I am gonna also call and make some second opinion consults with PS after I do the Colposcopy on Oct 7 and make the appointment with the Gynecological Oncologist. My friend gave me her PS name: Dr. Shoen. He did GREAT work on her. I wanna see if this guy can work miracles on me too. I am also going to get my aunt's PS name, he really did wonders on the reconstruction of her tummy post-ovarian cancer. I do not need some doctor telling this 5'7", 140lb girl that she is fat, granted I was around 125lb before last November, but that does not mean I am fat it means I went through hell this last year and my clothes are tighter. Get it right doctor.
Chemopause No More
To my surprise on Monday I finally got my Aunt Flo back. Chemo shut down my ovaries and my monthly visitor left my life back in March. It was a nice time away from this week of annoyance. When my ovaries slept and I went into chemo-pause, I had minimal acne, I didn't have strange cravings for food, I wasn't very moody, and I was never cold because hot flashes kept me nice and toasty.
Now, I am a real 27yr old woman again. Sucks... I kinda didn't want it to come back. My face is broken out. I am cold. I am grumpy and over emotional (trust me people can vouch for this one). I am tired. My body hurts. The kicker is that I woke up every morning this week craving something: Monday it was rice chex, Tuesday it was hot chocolate and Today it was a cheeseburger. What The??? Really its like someone didn't slowly turn on my estrogen reserves but let it flood the gates. I even had thoughts last night to have a hysterectomy. Life was much more peaceful without Flo.
The only plus side of this is that the pudge I started to build on my stomach (as I USED to have a visible abdomen pre-chemo pause) flushed itself away. Apparently my metabolism is back on, now that my ovaries are back ruining my life. I cannot wait until I am 50... or even 40 when I can sit back, relax, eat like a bird and not have to worry about stupid girl stuff.
Pap Smear BS
I also need to STILL see my OBGYN every 6months. Chemo and/or Tamoxifen is causing me to have abnormal paps. It's not cancerous. It's something call ASC-US. It is short for atypical cells of undetermined significance and indicates mild cellular cervical changes with an unknown cause. This could be caused by the yeast infection I had during my pap, chemo, or the fact that tamoxifen messes with our womanly organs. It's not cancer people. My doctor is just very worried. He found the breast lump, so now he wants me to get this thing called a Colposcopy . I am having my mom go with me, because I now get panic attacks at every damn doctors appointments. Apparently she has had one before and can be there for emotional support. She can also buy me some yummy ice cream too (hint hint). Apparently my doctor is doing this because I had cancer and is just being pre-cautious like always. If it were cancer it would be High Grade Dysplasia and I just have ASCUS. Now, I think it is a good idea for me to also see a Gynocological Oncologist to monitor me with Papsmears, these Colposcopy things (if my pap smears suck again), Transvaginal US to monitor my ovaries and Abdominal US to monitor my uterus every 6 months. DO NOT worry this is not cancer. I am just getting monitored people. Also, the US do not cause radiation, so its safe for this BC survivor.
My doctor really feels that my cancer was genetic and that most likely my aunt's ovarian cancer was too. Good doctor, just wish I could go a little while without having to see him or my oncology team. Ha...I think its too late for that. I already found a Gynecological Oncologist at Jersey Shore Hospital, so I am going to be a good patient and call to make an appointment in October once my REALLY GOOD new insurance starts up.
I am NOT Fat!
Another update is that I am trying to lose that 15lbs my doctor told me to lose back in August. My PS will not operate on me nor liposuction the flaps of skin/fat that accumulated around my reconstruction. Her solution was : "You are fat." I am not coping well with this. I am not fat. I know that, but really you cannot fix what you did? I was blabbing on about these flaps pre-exchange. She told me that it was from the Tissue Expanders, then post exchange it was swelling and two months later its because I am fat.
As you can see, I am gonna find a NEW plastic surgeon. I am gonna also call and make some second opinion consults with PS after I do the Colposcopy on Oct 7 and make the appointment with the Gynecological Oncologist. My friend gave me her PS name: Dr. Shoen. He did GREAT work on her. I wanna see if this guy can work miracles on me too. I am also going to get my aunt's PS name, he really did wonders on the reconstruction of her tummy post-ovarian cancer. I do not need some doctor telling this 5'7", 140lb girl that she is fat, granted I was around 125lb before last November, but that does not mean I am fat it means I went through hell this last year and my clothes are tighter. Get it right doctor.
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Brighter Horizons
I haven't written on here in a while. I really needed a break from the world of cancer. A part of me was going to kinda let the blog go after I finished treatments, but then I remembered that there will be so many newly diagnosed young ladies each day. These women need hope that they will do great throughout treatment and that they too can do well years later.
It has been one month since I finished radiation and did my first Zometa treatment. First, Zometa was easy. No side-effects, no fatigue. If anyone is ER+/PR+, I would add this to my maintenance routine. It can't hurt and some new studies show it has such a benefit for us ladies. Second, I am finally feeling like myself again. I can finally workout for my normal 2 hours. I can finally run. I can finally lift heavy objects again. Granted my left hand swells a little, but for some reason if I workout the swelling goes down. I am gonna use exercise to beat lymphedema into the ground.
I also moved. I finally moved in with my boyfriend. A year ago, I can remember being at his house looking for apartments for myself with plans that he would probably move in a few months down the line. Cancer came, we put that off. A year later, I found a job near the shore and we are moving back to where my heart lies, which is ten minutes from the beach. Most of our stuff is moved in and we are slowly getting settled into co-habitating. Also I got a new job at my old company. My new job seems like it will be a good step for me in the right direction. Hopefully there will be more supervisory stuff down the line and more clinical work. I will definitely miss my clients and coworkers at my current job. I look forward to most of my days there and not many people can say that about their work.
I am also in the works of taking/planning on taking some pre-requisites for going back to school for my APN. Yes, I am crazy. This might take a long time, but I have my whole life ahead of me. This spring I will take Anatomy&Physiology and Microbiology. A very helpful friend at work found a school online for me... I can take these courses until I can apply at the local community college for their BSN/MSN program. I want to be able to do psychotherapy and medication monitoring. I really feel the therapist gets to see the patient as the whole. I would like to be able to do both, maybe I can make a better impact on people if I do that.
It has been one month since I finished radiation and did my first Zometa treatment. First, Zometa was easy. No side-effects, no fatigue. If anyone is ER+/PR+, I would add this to my maintenance routine. It can't hurt and some new studies show it has such a benefit for us ladies. Second, I am finally feeling like myself again. I can finally workout for my normal 2 hours. I can finally run. I can finally lift heavy objects again. Granted my left hand swells a little, but for some reason if I workout the swelling goes down. I am gonna use exercise to beat lymphedema into the ground.
I also moved. I finally moved in with my boyfriend. A year ago, I can remember being at his house looking for apartments for myself with plans that he would probably move in a few months down the line. Cancer came, we put that off. A year later, I found a job near the shore and we are moving back to where my heart lies, which is ten minutes from the beach. Most of our stuff is moved in and we are slowly getting settled into co-habitating. Also I got a new job at my old company. My new job seems like it will be a good step for me in the right direction. Hopefully there will be more supervisory stuff down the line and more clinical work. I will definitely miss my clients and coworkers at my current job. I look forward to most of my days there and not many people can say that about their work.
I am also in the works of taking/planning on taking some pre-requisites for going back to school for my APN. Yes, I am crazy. This might take a long time, but I have my whole life ahead of me. This spring I will take Anatomy&Physiology and Microbiology. A very helpful friend at work found a school online for me... I can take these courses until I can apply at the local community college for their BSN/MSN program. I want to be able to do psychotherapy and medication monitoring. I really feel the therapist gets to see the patient as the whole. I would like to be able to do both, maybe I can make a better impact on people if I do that.
Friday, August 12, 2011
What a Difference a Year Makes
One year ago from today, I had the lump in my left breast. I also was depressed. It wasn't because of the lump, I was depressed before that. I was going to therapy (yes, a therapist in therapy), because I was struggling with two beliefs. One was "I must be perfect." The second was "I must stay perfect and healthy or I will die from cancer like my grandparents." Irrational, but held in some grain of truth. I was sad. I was irritable. I was completely isolated within my own head most days. I haven't really told many people I went through that. I have struggled with anxiety and depression since I was 18. I think last summer I was at my worst.
Now most people would have assumed that getting diagnosed with cancer would have made me more depressed and more anxious. It actually did the opposite. Cancer gave me strength. It helped me realize that I am not perfect, but that is ok and that I will still be successful with my imperfections. I also know I won't die from cancer. I am too strong to die from cancer and cancer will be the least of my worries. Depression was worse than Cancer for me. Cancer was a time where my true friends came to help. Cancer was a time where my strongest will came out and I kicked butt my whole way through this journey. I am one person of many who have this disease, but I went running, I lifted weights, and I kept positive.
365 days later and I woke up today feeling happier than ever. I am no longer depressed. I no longer have cancer. I am done with all active cancer treatments. Now, that is something to smile about.
I am truly ready to move onto my real life. I do have maintenance therapies to keep doing: 1. Daily Tamoxifen for 5 years, 2. My Holistic Vitamin Regimen, and 3. Every 6 month Zometa (Biophosphate) infusions for bone strength. I also will have my revision surgery for my reconstruction. These things are nothing compared to this road I have traveled. Things are only going to get better from here.
Now most people would have assumed that getting diagnosed with cancer would have made me more depressed and more anxious. It actually did the opposite. Cancer gave me strength. It helped me realize that I am not perfect, but that is ok and that I will still be successful with my imperfections. I also know I won't die from cancer. I am too strong to die from cancer and cancer will be the least of my worries. Depression was worse than Cancer for me. Cancer was a time where my true friends came to help. Cancer was a time where my strongest will came out and I kicked butt my whole way through this journey. I am one person of many who have this disease, but I went running, I lifted weights, and I kept positive.
365 days later and I woke up today feeling happier than ever. I am no longer depressed. I no longer have cancer. I am done with all active cancer treatments. Now, that is something to smile about.
I am truly ready to move onto my real life. I do have maintenance therapies to keep doing: 1. Daily Tamoxifen for 5 years, 2. My Holistic Vitamin Regimen, and 3. Every 6 month Zometa (Biophosphate) infusions for bone strength. I also will have my revision surgery for my reconstruction. These things are nothing compared to this road I have traveled. Things are only going to get better from here.
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